Zoom jokes 🧑🏽‍💻 in 2024

A teacher is teaching a 5th grade class on Zoom.
The teacher says to Susie, “Tell the class why you want to be a teacher.”

Susie says, “Actually, I want to be a stripper.”

The teacher asks, “A stripper? I thought you wanted to do my noble profession.”

Susie says, “That was before I saw your tiny apartment.”

The 12 Days of Corona
In the year 2020, the pandemic gave to me:
12 Cancelled Plans
11 Face Masks
10 Sanitizers
9 Murder Hornets
8 Zoom Calls
7 Mental Breakdowns
6 Feet Apart
5 Curbside Pickups
4 Quarantines
3 Travel Restrictions
2 Karens Complaining
And a massive shortage of Grocery Store TP

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.
Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he’d be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gave the Irish President a Zoom call. “We kinda expected you to give out free Guiness, being from Ireland and all”

The Irish President replied: “Well, if you guys aren’t giving out beer, then neither am I.”

At the Bee Prom…
A young bee nervously flies around hoping to grab a dance with the queen bee. Finally he musters up the courage and talks to her. She looks at him and says “I’ll dance with you if you get me some fruit punch”
Excited, the bee zooms to get the punch. He sees the line for nachos, the ice cream machine, the honey line, but after hours of searching he realizes…
There is no punch line

Breaking: CNN legal analyst caught masturbating on a Zoom call
Guess you could say he just couldn’t keep his Toobin his pants

I have a joke about zoom but can you hear me?
…
…
…
Let me logout and login again

A nomad had been wandering the desert by foot for many years. He has saved up some money on his travels and decided that his walking days were over and it was time to buy a camel.
– He went to the nearest camel ranch and asked the ranch owner what type of camel he could get for the money he had.
“I am sorry,” said the rancher “that’s not even enough for the cheapest camel.” The nomad looked forlorn until the rancher said “we do have this one camel though, we weren’t going to sell him because he’s kinda special, but I’ll sell him to you in you like?” The nomad was overjoyed, “Yes, please! What is so special about him?”
“To make him walk you have to say ‘go’ and to make him gallop you have to say ‘phew.’ To make him stop simply say ‘amen.’ Have you got that?”
“I think so, yeah!” Replied the nomad. He paid his many, got on the camel and said “go!” and it began to walk. After awhile as he had gotten used to the camel, he decided to try to go a bit faster and so he said “phew” and it burst to life. It started hurtling through the desert, bounding over dunes and zooming past oasis’s.

Suddenly, the nomad saw that ahead there was a gapping gorge and the camel was charging straight for it. He began tugging on the reins of the camel, pleading for it to stop, but, it wouldn’t and he had completely forgotten the word to make it do so!
“Oh god help me!” cried the nomad. He began to pray, “God, please don’t let me die on this camel, amen.” And of course it came immediately to a dead stop right at the very edge of the deep gorge.
“Phew” said the nomad.

People that said 2020 would fly by…
…Didn’t know that it would zoom

No one turns on their camera in zoom
– they have been infected by Novid-19

What kind of online exercise do sheep do together?
– Zoom-BAAAAAH!

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German log on to a zoom call
– The host wants to check if his video is working, so he says: Can you all see me?
The Englishman says Yes . The Frenchman says Oui . The Spaniard says Si . The German says Ja .

Me: I have a zoom meeting later. My cat: Oh, me too

It is in the news today that Florida is having its first remote trial via zoom
– It’s looking like things will be settled out of court

A nail company name Nail Bay hired a publicity agency for a new video ad…
After 2 weeks they asked for a meeting to show the new video.

The video started with an aerial take from the desert and kept zooming into a tiny black spot, which as the zooms keep going is a cross with Jesus nailed on it.

Right after this , the screen goes black and the company logo is shown: Nail Bay!

The company is outraged and demand a new video saying this is offensive and inappropriate.

After another 2 weeks another meeting is set for them to show the video.
The video starts and the same take starts again, it’s a desert, the tiny black spot, which as the zoom keeps going shows an empty cross. Then it shows Jesus running from it.
The screen goes black again and it says.

They didn’t use Nail Bay, and Jesus now runs away!

PS: sorry for English, it is not my native language and also I just typed this from memory on mobile.

I showed up late for a Zoom meeting…
…when asked for a reason, I confessed: “You wouldn’t believe the network traffic”.

Someone asked me about my background and I gave a detailed reply, telling him about my education, career, relatives, hopes and dreams.
– Turns out he just wanted to know what was behind me on our Zoom call.

Champion Nails is in trouble…..
Stan owns Champion nails the company. Sales are well down. One night he meets an old friend in the local pub. (Its a nice old pub, with a lovely barmaid with a beautiful rack, and hops and things hanging everywhere). Anyway, Stan is telling his old friend – Chester, how things are not going well and unless the building trade doesn’t pick up soon, Champion nails will go bust. Chester tells Stan about a new advertising company his mate has set up. And arranges for Stan to meet up. The ad Co learns all about the nail business from Stan. They suggest an advertising campaign on TV at peak times. “We will go and get a commercial filmed especially tailored to promote Champion nails”. The ad exec says. A couple of weeks later, Stan goes to see the commercial that’s been made. On the tv screen appears ‘Champion Nails’ and the camera zooms in on a well presented pile of nails. “Our nails will fix anything” says the commentary. And then the picture changes to JC hanging on the cross! And yes you guessed it! Nailed with Champion nails. Buster is horrified and upset. He immediately turns the tv off and shouts “Are you insane? You/I cannot have my company shown to have any part in this! For Gods sake, think of a better way to save my company”. The ad exec clearly seeing Stan is upset, promises to sort it out. “Leave it with me”, he says.
2 weeks later, Stan is back. On the tv screen again pops up ‘Champion nails’. And again the camera zooms in on a well presented pile of nails. “Our nails will fix anything” says the tv voice. And the next shot is an empty cross on a beautiful sandy beach. But, right in the very distance you can see 2 figures running anyway. The camera zooms in and its 2 Roman centurions chasing JC who is well ahead of them. The camera just catches up with the Romans as one turns to the other and says “this would not have happened if we had used Champion nails’

Using Zoom for work was a bad idea.
– Since I can’t travel, I can’t get to box 350 Boston, Mass 02134