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Zoom jokes 🧑🏽‍💻 in 2024

A teacher is teaching a 5th grade class on Zoom.
The teacher says to Susie, “Tell the class why you want to be a teacher.”

Susie says, “Actually, I want to be a stripper.”

The teacher asks, “A stripper? I thought you wanted to do my noble profession.”

Susie says, “That was before I saw your tiny apartment.”

The 12 Days of Corona
In the year 2020, the pandemic gave to me:
12 Cancelled Plans
11 Face Masks
10 Sanitizers
9 Murder Hornets
8 Zoom Calls
7 Mental Breakdowns
6 Feet Apart
5 Curbside Pickups
4 Quarantines
3 Travel Restrictions
2 Karens Complaining
And a massive shortage of Grocery Store TP

What Do You Call Mondays without Any Zoom Meetings?
– Meetless Mondays

I don’t know how to tell my future child
– That zoomers doesn’t mean the generation that learned through zoom

– My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn’t she laugh at them anymore.

She replied, “Because your jokes aren’t remotely funny.”

The lion was a an avid golf player
– One day, he was randomly paired up with another cat. This cat was something else. Every time he’d tee off, zoom! He’d go running down the fairway, often beating the ball down the hole.

Not only was he fast as but he was good, really good. Every shot landed in the fairway, or even on the green. It seemed as the round went on, the cat was hitting the ball further and further, until he got a hole in one on the final hole.

Impressed, the lion offered to pair with him for future doubles matches, but alas, it was not to be, as everyone else knew that the lions new friend was nothing but a cheetah.

There was a very religious man that bought a nail factory
– When the factory was about to open he hired a marketing guy to make a TV commercial, his only instruction was that it had to have a catholic theme. A few days go past and the guy returns with the video to show the factory owner. The video starts: there’s a Roman soldier nailing Jesus, who is all bloody, to the cross. the nails go right through the hand and cross. Then the text appears “Saint Lucy nails. Holds even gods” . The commercial is over and the owner is baffled. He yells at the marketing guy saying he can’t have his brand being the one that got Jesus crucified. The guy asks for a few more days. After those, he shows the new commercial: it’s Jesus running by the beach, the camera zooms out and it shows that the Roman soldiers are chasing him. Then the clouds clear, a beam of light shines on Jesus and takes him to the heavens. The camera changes to the Roman and he says “Dammit, I knew I should have used Saint Lucy nails”.

Some people say:’ why don’t they protest peacefully?’
– And then here comes this guy: ‘why don’t they just do a Zoom protest? ‘.

I put my pants on the same way as everybody else
– Not at all because Zoom calls only see the top of the body

Working from home and told a joke on a zoom call. No laughed
– Turns out I’m not remotely funny.

Every woman working from home is doing so on a Macbook Air on the couch, cup of tea. Every man is at a three-monitor setup with the loudest keyboard he could find at Best Buy

I’m getting paid a lot to shut down Zoom calls…
Now I’m making ends meet by making meets end!

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he’s getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the curb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: ‘My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it’s at the panel beaters it’ll simply never be the same again!’

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

‘I can’t believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,’ he says. ‘You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.’

‘How can you say such a thing at a time like this?’ sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, ‘Didn’t you realize that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you.’

The Banker looks down in horror.

‘F***ING HELL!’ he screams……..’MY Rolex!!!!!!!!’

Me: This show is boring…
Boss: Again, this is a Zoom conference!

An announcement was made by the government in the USSR
Since only one in seven households had a vehicle, drivers were speeding incessantly and the government announced that anyone speeding would be fined regardless of who it was.

One day Gorbachev gets out of his hotel and is late to the Kremlin, so he tells his driver to get in the back seat and proceeds to gun it down the road.
There were two police on motorcycles on the road and after zooming past the first one the second officer goes after the vehicle.
When he gets back the first officer asks
“Did you fine him?”
The officer shakes his head and says “No I didn’t give him a fine”
The officer says “Why not?”
He replies “Oh too important”
The officer says “Well we’re told to give anybody a fine no matter who it is!”
“No, no this one I couldn’t… too important”
The second officer says “Who was it?”
He said “I couldn’t recognize him but his driver was Gorbachev!”

Source: Ronald Reagan.

Gonzales Nails
– The Gonzales company was trying to market their new carpenters nails, and they were thinking about what kind of commercial they should run. One of them says “let’s start with an image of Jesus on the cross, and the camera can zoom in on the nails, and our logo then comes up at the bottom!”. The others say “ehhh… That might be a bit much, people could easily take offense to that, maybe let’s look at other options”. They keep discussing and finally come to an agreement. The next day, the commercial airs. It opens with two Roman soldiers talking with each other outside. In the distance you see a semi-naked man running across the screen, the soldiers look at him, turn to each other and exclaim “Damnit!! We should have used Gonzales Nails!!”

I translated this from Spanish, so be gentle.

The Holy Family were unable to participate….
…in the conference call.

There was no Zoom at the inn.

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

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