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Grandpa jokes 👴 in 2023

Grandpa Mike died this weekend.
– He led a simple life, loved by family and friends while enjoying a long career as a crop duster. In accordance with his final wishes, his cremated remains will be mixed with water and sprayed over the seashore where he spent his final days. He will be mist.

Grandpa asked me how to print on his new computer.
I said: “Just control-p.”

He said: “I haven’t been able to do that for years!”

Who is the one that chimes every one hour?
– A grandfather, who’s like the clock.

Why did grandpa like spending more time with the grandchildren?
– Because he got to play with toys that he couldn’t have.

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.
– Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!”
– Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

Why did my grandpa get a man in slim-fit jeans drinking an avocado smoothie to come home?
– Because he was my grandpa’s hip replacement; just like my grandpa, but hip!

Why did grandpa yell ‘gallons, liters, pints’ the day after the Christmas party?
– Because he likes to speak in volumes.

A grandson asks his grandfather: “Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?”
– “Yes, there was”

answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson’s head.

“Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?”

“Yes, absolutely”

answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson’s other head.

I calmly opened the door and said, “Son, I found a condom in your room.” He looked up sheepishly and groaned, “Thanks Grandpa.”
– “Why did you call me Grandpa?” I questioned.

He laughed nervously, “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

What did grandma say to grandpa, when he claimed that he let out a silent fart in the church?
– She said, “Honey, you need to replace the batteries of your hearing aid”.

Why do grandfathers count their pennies?
– Nobody else has the time.

Little Johnny says to grandpa..
“Grandpa, make a noise like a frog.”

Grandpa asks, “why?”

“Cause daddy says we’ll make a lot of money when you croak.”

My grandpa would always tell me girls have two knees but guys have three
– You have your left knee, right knee, and your WEEknee

Why did grandpa tell the ghosts about his shirt size?
– Because he was the medium.

Why did grandpa spend only one hour with the grandchildren?
– Because one hour with them and he felt like a young fellow, more than that he said he feels drastically old.

I used to spin the toilet paper like I was on “Wheel of Fortune.” Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

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