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Grandpa jokes 👴 in 2022

How can God and grandpa be similar?
– Because they both are old.

Why did grandpa put wheels on his wheelchair?
– He wanted to rock n roll.

Grandpa Mike died this weekend.
– He led a simple life, loved by family and friends while enjoying a long career as a crop duster. In accordance with his final wishes, his cremated remains will be mixed with water and sprayed over the seashore where he spent his final days. He will be mist.

Grandpa asked me how to print on his new computer.
I said: “Just control-p.”

He said: “I haven’t been able to do that for years!”

What would a lawnmower grandfather’s epitaph be like?
– ‘Now he’s lawn-gone’.

Why couldn’t grandpa find freedom hen he left to travel abroad?
– Because he said that grandma followed him and arrived on the very next boat!

Two grandpas were sitting together. One turns to the other and says, “I am in my eighties now, and everything hurts. You are around the same age as me. Do you feel the same?”
– The second grandpa answers, “I feel the same as a new-born. No teeth, no hair, and I am pretty sure I just peed in my pants.”

Grandpa died in the hospital because they had the wrong blood type on record
– It was a Type O.

My grandpa told me to not go to the brothel down the road
– He said I’d see things that I shouldn’t see.

And?

Well, I went.

And what did you see?

Grandpa.

What did grandpa say after reading ‘Karaoke Tonight’ at a restaurant?
– He just asked what sort of fish that was.

What does grandpa say when a waiter asks about the food at the restaurant?
– He points at our finished plates and confirms, “They almost didn’t like it.”

PSA: Every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believing all is well in the kingdom.

My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa.
– Then my mom hid the urn from me.

My grandpa always told me that statistics are like skirts
– They show some stuff that you are interested in but not the actual thing

Why was grandpa counting pennies?
– Because he was the only one with time and money in his hand.

What do you say when a grandpa, his son, and his grandson all hear a joke, laugh a lot, and wet their pants?
– It runs in their ‘jeans’.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my Grandpa did.
– Not screaming in terror, like the passengers on his bus.

My grandpa’s favorite joke
– Two guys are driving from Kansas to Maine and they drive by a sign for Worcester, MA. They both look at eachother and say, ‘how the hell do you pronounce that?” The driver says “War-chester”, the passanger says, “Nah, its gotta be “wir-ster”. They argue a bit and decide that the only way to know for sure is to get off at the exit for Worcester, go into the first place they see and ask a local. The winner gets $20. They shake on it. They come up on the exit, get off and go into the first place they see, as agreed. They go up to the counter and say to the kid running the front desk “hey son, now this is very important, my friend and i got $20 riding on this. I need you to slowly and clearly tell us the name of where we are”. The kid looks at him and leans over the counter and goes “DAI-RY QUEEN”

Prolly heard it 1000 times over his lifetime. Never got old.

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