Hospital jokes 🏥🩺👩🏻‍⚕️ in 2024

A man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
Man: “Will I be all right, doc?”
Doctor: “You are in grave danger — Mercury is in Uranus.”
Man: “I don’t buy into that astrology nonsense!”
Doctor: “Neither do I. My thermometer broke.”

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

Secretary: “Doctor, there’s a patient on line one who says he’s invisible.”
Doctor: “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”

My doctor inquired if I was getting enough exercise. “Does sex count as exercise?” I asked. “Yes, it’s a very good form of exercise,” he replied. “Then the answer is no,” I said.

A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem. The doctor asks, “How often do you pass gas?” and the man replies 10 to 15 times an hour. The doctor goes back to his office and returns with a pole with an iron hook. The man screams, “What are you going to do with that, Doc?”
The doctor replies, “I’m going to open some windows.”

Woman: “My husband swallowed an Aspirin by mistake. What should I do now?”
Doctor: “Give him a headache now; what else!”

I was caring for a woman and asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”

What don’t you want to hear in the middle of surgery?
“Where’s my watch?”

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
She told me to stop going to those places.

Patient: “Doctor, I need your help. I’m addicted to checking my Twitter.”
Doctor: “I’m so sorry; I don’t follow.”

My ex got into a bad accident recently.
I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”
Patient: “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.”
Doctor: “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.”
Patient: “24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

Why do surgeons wear masks?
So no one will recognize them when they make a mistake.

Patient to friend: “I saw the doctor today about my loss of memory.”
Friend: “What did he say?”
Patient: “He asked me to pay him in advance.”

Patient: “Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain.”
Doctor: “Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking.”

Patient: “I always see spots before my eyes.”
Doctor: “Didn’t the new glasses help?”
Patient: “Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.”