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Hospital jokes 🏥🩺👩🏻‍⚕️ in 2024

A man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
Man: “Will I be all right, doc?”
Doctor: “You are in grave danger — Mercury is in Uranus.”
Man: “I don’t buy into that astrology nonsense!”
Doctor: “Neither do I. My thermometer broke.”

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Doctor: “Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed 10 quarters last night?”
Nurse: “No change yet.”

Why did the bucket go to the doctor?
He had a pail face.

A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor. So, the boy brought his teacher an apple every day.

Doctors ask you where it hurts, but then put pressure on it.

Doctor: “I’m just waiting for your x-ray.”
Woman: “But I’ve never dated anyone named Ray.”
Doctor: “Aaaaand we might do a brain scan.”

“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Great! I never could before!”

Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He’s all right now!

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!”
Doctor: “Try to block out the pain.”

Patient: “Will this ointment clear up my spots?”
Doctor: “I never make rash promises.”

Patient: “I’m starting to forget things, Doctor.”
Doctor: “Since when have you had this condition?”
Patient: “What condition?”

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, “Give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.”
“But, I don’t have the fingers!”
“Why didn’t you bring the fingers?!” asks the incredulous doctor.
“Doc, I couldn’t pick them up.”

A bicycle rolls into the doctor’s office. It says, “Doc, you gotta help me! I can’t keep from yawning all day long.”
The doctor says, “Well, I think it’s because you’re two tired.”

A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I think I’m going deaf!”
And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms?”
The man responds, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.”

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

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