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Hospital jokes 🏥🩺👩🏻‍⚕️ in 2023

A man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
Man: “Will I be all right, doc?”
Doctor: “You are in grave danger — Mercury is in Uranus.”
Man: “I don’t buy into that astrology nonsense!”
Doctor: “Neither do I. My thermometer broke.”

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter – he’s got to just know.
– Will Rogers

The patient refused autopsy.

Where do sick boats go to get healthy?
To the dock!

Two years ago, my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven’t heard from him since.

Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
He was feeling all stuffed up!

Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.

Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?
He kept feeling jumpy.

Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
He had low elf esteem.

Jerry is in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?” asked the nurse.

I can’t believe I wanted to be an obstetrician.
I can’t even deliver a joke.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“OK,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup. Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks, “Well? Are you still coughing?” The patient replies, “No, I’m afraid to.”

A man goes into the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a watch. What should I do?”
“Take these pills,” says the doctor. “They should help you pass the time.”

Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?
He made a spectacle of himself.

Q: Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?
A: He made a spectacle of himself

Why did the mattress go to the doctor?
It had spring fever.

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