Hospital jokes 🏥🩺👩🏻‍⚕️ in 2022

A man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
Man: “Will I be all right, doc?”
Doctor: “You are in grave danger — Mercury is in Uranus.”
Man: “I don’t buy into that astrology nonsense!”
Doctor: “Neither do I. My thermometer broke.”

My favorite is a true story. During residency, I got paged at 3AM to the SICU. I called them, a bit curious as to what was going on, as 3AM calls to the neurologist rarely come from the SICU.
When I introduced myself as the on-call neurologist, the very southern-sounding nurse loudly exclaimed:

“Neurology? I wanted Urology. I got the wrong end!”

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Why is a doctor always calm?
They have a lot of patients.

What do you get when a doctor goes back in time to teach himself medicine?
A pair o’ docs.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
He was feeling really crumby.

Patient: “Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?”
Doctor: “Sell!”

How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck in my ear!”
Doctor: “Don’t worry, I have some cream for that.”

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The patient said, “Give me the good news first.”
“They’re going to name the disease after you.”

“Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me — I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?”
“Not really — I spill most of it!”

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.