Hospital jokes 🏥🩺👩🏻‍⚕️ in 2023

A man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
Man: “Will I be all right, doc?”
Doctor: “You are in grave danger — Mercury is in Uranus.”
Man: “I don’t buy into that astrology nonsense!”
Doctor: “Neither do I. My thermometer broke.”

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

What did the balloon say to the doctor?
“I feel light-headed.”

A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has five penises.
The doctor says, “Five penises?! How do your pants fit?”
The man replies, “Like a glove.”

My kid’s pediatrician canceled my appointment because I was five minutes late
He has very little patients.

Husband: “The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
Wife: “And did he?”
Husband: “Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”

Why did the rope go to the doctor?
It had a knot in its stomach.

How did the doctor cure the invisible man?
He took him to the ICU.

I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

Patient: “Doctor, are the test results ready yet? I’m dying of curiosity!”
Doctor: “Heh… not only from curiosity.”

A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says:
– “If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons.”

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Why did Dracula go to the doctor?
He couldn’t stop coffin!

The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office, having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”
“Rats,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”

What did the judge say to the dentist?
“Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?”

Man: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
Doctor: “Is this her first child?”
Man: “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”

Patient: “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.”
Doctor: “Sit down and don’t stir.”