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Weekend jokes in 2024

What did a worker say to another worker who was not feeling like working on a Friday?
– “Just a few more hours of work left, weekend make it!”

Is Good Friday a sad day?
– Yes, but the next day’s a Sadderday.

Wasted weekend
– A wasted weekend is not a waste of a weekend

What kind of dessert goes best with the theme of Friday the 13th?
– I scream.

Why could I not attend my friend’s dumplings party on Saturday morning?
– Because I had to wok on Friday night.

I really want a truck queue this weekend.
– Oops, sorry, I meant for that to be a pickup line.

Where do cows go on weekends??
To the ….
Moooooooovies.

I’ve been screwing all weekend and my wrist is killing me
– Installing drywall is hard work.

What is Daniel Defoe’s favorite day of the week?
– Friday.

When can Monday feel better than a Friday?
– It can’t.

Every weekend I tell myself “John, you gotta quit drinking man”
– Good thing my name’s not John…

Christmas at the vet’s office
– A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How was your weekend?” the bartender asks. “Expensive. The dog ate a bunch of Christmas ornaments off of the tree, so I had to take him to the vet,” the guy says. “Vet says he has a bad case of tinselitus.”

What comes after Black Friday?
– Broke Saturday.

Why was the student so happy to go back home from school?
– Because it was Friyay.

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
– I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

I hosted a terrible orgy last weekend
– Nobody came

4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.
They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday.

Celebrating their white lie they had another big night out and headed back on Monday. When they got back on campus Tuesday they went and saw their professor and she asked if they were all right, thanked them for letting her know ahead of time, and told them to get ready for the test.

Inwardly laughing they were separated into four separate rooms so as not to cheat. All four flipped over the sheet and saw only two questions:

For 5% credit, what does DSM stand for in the DSM-5?

For 95% credit, which tire went flat?

What is the best thing to avoid on Friday the 13th?
– Superstitions.

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