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Weekend jokes in 2023

What did a worker say to another worker who was not feeling like working on a Friday?
– “Just a few more hours of work left, weekend make it!”

Is Good Friday a sad day?
– Yes, but the next day’s a Sadderday.

Wasted weekend
– A wasted weekend is not a waste of a weekend

Why was the hospital empty?
– Because it is a feel-good Friday.

I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
– None of you are invited.

The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden.
– He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

I must have ate something wrong last weekend because I had diarrhea for the next few days.
– So today was the first day I felt normal, I took care of myself and I finally did myself a solid.

What kind of beans do Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th prefer?
– Human beans.

Where can you find a computer on Friday night?
– At the disc-o.

What do you call a stoned Canadian before the weekend?
– Fried, eh?

Introduced my girlfriend to the family over the weekend, everyone was shocked…
– Specially the wife .

The new priest
A new priest was nervous before his first sermon, so the monseigneur told him to have a bit of a drink before mass to take off the edge.

The new priest took the advice. After the sermon he returned to the rectory to find a note. It read:

Good sermon today, but a few small points:

– There are 10 commandments, not 12

– There are 12 apostles, not 10

– David was struck with a rock and knocked off his donkey, he was not “Stoned off his ass”

– Next weekend there’s a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s

Why did Friday go to visit a doctor?
– He was week.

When can Sunday feel like a Friday?
– When you have a weekend job.

People think staying awake all weekend is unhealthy
…but really, sleep is for the week

My girlfriend and I have been really stressed and having some issues so we decided to take a mini vacation, a weekend trip to a ski resort.
– Everything started off well, but things went downhill really fast.

On my weekends I’ve been inventing a machine that can distribute herbs and spices to any place at my dining table.
– It’s not much, but it passes the thyme.

How do you make a profit on Black Friday?
– By completely ignoring the celebration.

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