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Glasses jokes 👓 in 2023

What do you call glasses for your balls?
– Spectacles.

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, ‘Man, I wish we had something to drink!’
Jim says, ‘Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?’
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Then the phone rings. It’s Jim. Jim says, ‘Hey, how do you feel this morning?’
Dave says, ‘I feel great, how about you?’
Jim says, ‘I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?’
Dave says, ‘No that jet fuel is great stuff
no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..’
‘Yeah, well there’s just one thing.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Have you farted yet?’
‘Well, DON’T – cause I’m in New Zealand ‘

My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn’t need glasses
– She drinks straight from the bottle.

A kid loses his glasses and falls down a well…
– Too bad he couldn’t see that well.

Police stops a man and says, “You’re supposed to be wearing glasses”
Man: I have contacts.
Policeman: I don’t give a damn who you know.

My girlfriend says she can’t see too well without her glasses.
– So I asked her what numbers she could see.

Have you heard about the man who recently died working at the glasses factory?
– Apparently he fell right into the glass grinder, making a spectacle of himself.

I’m really annoyed, my wifes sister sat on my glasses and broke them!
– to be fair, it was probably my fault for leaving them on

Dave’s wife tied him to the bed posts last night.
Dave’s wife tied him to the bed posts last night. Unable to move, he could do nothing to stop her slowly stripping down to her bra and pants in front of him.

She knelt on the bed, between his thighs and said

“Ok big boy, what would you like me to take off next?”

Dave gulped: “My glasses, please.”

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, “first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses”
– “And then we’ll see.”

Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
– No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%
– Let her finish the bottle and she’ll probably suck it as well.

Has COVID-19 caused you to wear a mask and glasses at the same time?
– You may be entitled to condensation.

Why do programmers wear glasses?
– Because they can’t C#.

A guy in my glass has a habit of breaking my glasses
His name is Dwayne, and I hate him. I have really bad eyesight, so without my glasses it’s basically impossible for me to see anything, and it was negatively affecting my grades.

Dwayne broke my first pair when I left them on my desk and he “accidentally” sat on them.

He broke my second pair when he slapped my in the face because he was “swatting a fly”.

He broke my third pair when he threw a ball at my face during recess.

He broke my fourth pair when he snapped them in half because he wanted to “test their durability”.

Eventually I complained, and Dwayne was moved to another school. I haven’t had problems with my eyesight since.

I can see clearly now, Dwayne is gone.

Two guys were walking their dogs….
– Two guys were walking their dogs-one had a German Shepherd and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the Shepherd suggested going into a bar for a drink. The other man says, “They’re not going to let dogs into the bar.” And the first guy says, “No? Watch this.” So he puts on some dark glasses, acts like the German Shepherd is a seeing-eye dog, walks into the bar and orders a drink. And no one says anything. So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on, and walks his Chihuahua into the bar. The bartender says, “Sorry-we don’t allow dogs in here.” And the man says, “It’s okay-it’s my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender laughs and says, “This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?” And the guy says, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”

I need glasses to see my family
– Specifically, two glasses of scotch.

What do you call a potato with glasses?
– A spec-tater.

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