Glasses jokes 👓 in 2024

Police stops a man and says, “You’re supposed to be wearing glasses”
Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don’t give a damn who you know.

So my husband told me I look better without my glasses
– I said, thanks, you look better without my glasses too

Glasses just for looks
– I wear my glasses just for looks. I can’t look at anything without them

My sister sat on my glasses and broke them…
– I suppose it’s my fault for not taking them off first

Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed ?
– Everybody

People say I look better without glasses.
– But I just can’t see it.

My plan for tomorrow is to get some new glasses
– After that I guess I’ll just see what happens

Why do java coders wear glasses?
– Because they don’t C#

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses
– I’m not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

Gf: what are your plans for today?
Me: a friend and I are going out to buy glasses

Gf: and after that?

Me: I guess we’ll see

After returning from the eye doctor, my dad started chugging milk straight from the carton.
– When asked why, he said, “The doctor told me I don’t need glasses.”

At my age I can no longer function without my glasses.
– Especially when they are empty.

I got so drunk the other night that I lost my glasses.
– The rest is a blur.

My son broke my only glasses out of anger
– I could never look at him the same

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

“Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy…” the third guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

I got some new glasses and I had someone say I am looking good!
– Not sure how they know how well I can see out of my glasses but I appreciated the attention!

Never Hit A Guy With Glasses
– Hit him with a baseball bat.

“YOU’LL SEE! THEY’LL ALL SEE!”
– said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd.

​

(credit goes to my mom)