Painting jokes 🎨🖼️🖌️ in 2023

MichaelAngelo entered the church and shouted to the ceiling
– “I got you covered!”

*Ouch!!* *Zut alors!!*
– A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

(…and you thought I didn’t have De Gaulle to post this on raydeet…. Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse. )

What does red paint smell like?
– Chlorinated rubber, water, isopropanol, titanium dioxide, castoreum

A painter got a call…
– from the gallery that was showing his work. The gallery owner said, “I have good news and bad news. A fellow came in this morning and asked if your work is the kind that would increase in value after the artist’s death. I sad yes, and he bought all fifteen paintings. The bad news is that he’s your doctor.”

What do you call a surrealist painter who turned into a boxer?
– Muhammad Dali.

A good woman is like a coat of paint,
– you should give it some time before you put your fingers in it.

Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter?
– It was an egg shell lent idea

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden
– “Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit.”They must be British”

They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.

“Nonsense,” says the Frenchman. “They’re naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French”. The Brit and Russian agreed on this point but the Russian soon raises an objection to this.

“No clothes, no shelter and they have only an apple to eat but they’re told this is Paradise. They are clearly Russian”

I started studying art history.
– I’m really learning a lot. This painter named ‘Renaissance’ is just amazing.

When the boat carrying red paint and blue paint crashed,
– the crew was marooned.

Did you hear about the ship that crashed on an island with a cargo of red and brown paint?
– Apparently the whole crew was marooned.

A blonde was going door to door…
– She was looking to do odd jobs and chores to make some extra money. She knocks on a door, a guy answers and she asks if he has any chores he needs done. He said “sure I need my porch painted. I’ll give you $100 if you do a good job”. He shows her where the paint and brushes are and she says she’ll make it look great. 30 minutes later, she knocks on his door and says “I’m done” and he replies “already? I thought it would take hours”. She assured him she was finished and then said “by the way, that’s a Ferrari, not a porch”.

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls.
– The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.

Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.

The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two coats.”

I was talking to a painter once
– I asked him why did he insist on old styles, he told me that old habits dye hard

So you know how a painter fights?
– He challenges his rival to a doodle.

When Rembrandt was called to a house to repairing a neat painting, he said,
– “If it isn’t Baroque, don’t fix it.”

Two ships collided. One was carrying a load of red paint, and the other a load of blue paint.
– All the passengers were marooned.

Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill.
– The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, “You guys did such a good job. Why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at the man and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”