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Pregnancy jokes 🤰👶 in 2022

You don’t have to study for a pregnancy test, but I’ve heard there’s a lot of cramming that goes on before the exam.

How does one sanitize nipples?
– Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

“Stop saying, ‘We’re pregnant.’ You’re not pregnant! Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady-hole? No. Are you crying alone in your car, listening to a stupid Bette Midler song? No. When you wake up and throw up, is it because you’re nurturing a human life? No. It’s because you had too many shots of tequila.”

Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.
She clearly isn’t a fan of protection.

My wife is a “bodybuilder”.
– She is pregnant.

During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels when he has a fever.

When people congratulate me, I like to say, “For what?” and watch them freak out

“I never stopped burping. And I felt terrible about it, but there was just nothing I could do — I would be in the middle of saying something and I’d just start burping. It was awful. I felt like a frat boy.” — Katherine Heigl

The more my pregnancy advances, the more often I notice strangers smile at me. Why?
– It is because you are fatter than they are.

Does pregnancy affect a woman’s memory?
– Most women I asked can’t remember.

What do you give a new mom, so she’s ready for anything?
– A diaper bag of tricks.

Is there any reason for a husband to be in the delivery room while his wife is in labor?
– Only if the word “alimony” means anything to him.

Waiting for this baby to be born is like picking up someone from the airport.
But you don’t know who they are or what time their flight comes in

What do you call it when two flowers have a surprise pregnancy?
– An oopsie-daisy!

Today at the pharmacy I noticed a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.
– She clearly isn’t a fan of protection.

What would be different if men were the ones who got pregnant?
– Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay, and morning sickness would rank as the nation’s number one health problem.

What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
– It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

“Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be.” — Carrie Fisher

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