Bike jokes 🚲 in 2024

I need a new bicycle chain.
– Can anyone give me any links?

A guy parks his bicycle outside the US capitol…
security comes to him and says “you can’t park your bike here. Don’t you know that Congressmen, Senators, Speaker, Vice President, foreign dignitaries, and the President come here often?”
– the guy says “oh don’t worry, I’ve chained my bike!”

Guy crosses the border on a bicycle with two bags over his shoulder
The guard stops him and asks:
“What’s in the bags?”
“Nothing but sand sir”
So he examines the bags and indeed nothing but sand.
“Ok you’re clear move on”
Two weeks later, same thing.
So this guy goes on for months, every two weeks same bags, same sand and they find nothing and it drives them nuts.
So finally one day one of the guards can’t take it anymore and follows the guy. So he sees him sitting at a cafe with his two bags of sand. He steps up to him and says:
“Listen buddy you got us crazy down at the office. Please tell me what you’re smuggling, I know it must be something. I swear I won’t tell!”
So the guy takes a sip from his drink, lifts his head up and looks at him and says: ” bicycles.”

When you move to a new area the first thing you look for is a bike shop.

You can’t seem to get to work by 8:30 AM, even for important meetings, but you don’t have any problems at all meeting your mates at 6:30 AM for a hundred-miler.

I saw a toddler with a tiny Edam strapped to his bike. Must have been his baby bell.

What do you call a cyclist who just avoids obstacles instead of going around them?
– A pessimist.

How do bikers stop signs?
– They rip them out of the ground.

Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own??
– Because it’s two tired

Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
– The short answer is technically speaking it can stand on its own but it is very unstable. In order to keep something standing you need the center of gravity of the object to be within its points of contact with the ground. With only 2 points of contact with the ground, that space is a very small plane. You would need it perfectly positioned with no other forces acting on it. The tiniest disturbance could knock it over (and will).

Not because it was two tired

My wife’s dog got to where it wouldn’t listen to her.
So she took it to the vet. The vet said no wonder it won’t listen I’ve never seen that much hair in a dogs ears. He clipped some out and said goto the pharmacy and buy a bottle of nair hair remover.

Put a little on a qtip and rub back in there and that’ll take care of the problem.

So she went and seen the pharmacist standing and asked for a bottle of nair he said I got a bottle right here but whenever you put this in your legs don’t wear any hose for 3 days. She said I’m not putting in on my legs.

He said well when you put this under your arms don’t wear any deodorant for 3 days. She said I’m not putting it under my arms.

He asked well where you putting it. She said on my schnauzer.

He said well don’t ride a bicycle for 3 days.

What do cyclists and gorillas have in common?
– They both like to ride in packs.

Why was the bicycle thrown off the bridge?
– Because it didn’t have any pontoons.

Why did the cyclist use oil?
– To hydrate the chain.

Your first course when you eat out is a large banana split.

A measurement of 44-36-40 doesn’t refer to the latest Playboy centrefold, but that new gear ratio you were considering.

A man is going across the border with different bicycles everyday with bags of sand on the handle bars
The border patrol searches methodically and carefully everyday in the sand and they are never able to find anything. An agent retired 7 years later meets the man in a cafe while they’re both getting a coffee. The man asked if he could buy the drink but a question would have to be answered. The man who was crossing the border says yes and grabs a table for the both of them. After they both get there drinks they sit down and the man asks his question. He asked what he was smuggling since they knew he was smuggling something everyday and there was nothing in the sand. The mans response was simple, bicycles.

What do you call a cyclist that thinks he’s smart?
– Pain in the ass!