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Bike jokes 🚲 in 2023

I need a new bicycle chain.
– Can anyone give me any links?

A guy parks his bicycle outside the US capitol…
security comes to him and says “you can’t park your bike here. Don’t you know that Congressmen, Senators, Speaker, Vice President, foreign dignitaries, and the President come here often?”
– the guy says “oh don’t worry, I’ve chained my bike!”

Guy crosses the border on a bicycle with two bags over his shoulder
The guard stops him and asks:
“What’s in the bags?”
“Nothing but sand sir”
So he examines the bags and indeed nothing but sand.
“Ok you’re clear move on”
Two weeks later, same thing.
So this guy goes on for months, every two weeks same bags, same sand and they find nothing and it drives them nuts.
So finally one day one of the guards can’t take it anymore and follows the guy. So he sees him sitting at a cafe with his two bags of sand. He steps up to him and says:
“Listen buddy you got us crazy down at the office. Please tell me what you’re smuggling, I know it must be something. I swear I won’t tell!”
So the guy takes a sip from his drink, lifts his head up and looks at him and says: ” bicycles.”

You use wax on your chain, AND on your legs (boys).

Your car sits outside your garage because your garage is full of bikes and cycling gear.

Two nuns riding bicycles on tiny back roads in Vatican City…
One old and one young, they pedal down the tiny side streets admiring the scenery. The young nun sighs and says, “Wow, I’ve never come this way before.”

The other nun goes, “Ah, yes, my dear. It’s the cobblestones.”

What’s the best way to make a cyclist go faster?
– Throw him in front of a car.

Why was the bicycle such a bad singer?
– Because he couldn’t keep his wheels from spinning.

How do cyclists spell relief?
– R-O-L-A-I-D-S.

A person gets hit by a bicycle.
So this person wakes up, as usual, to get ready to go to work. They do their normal routine: brush teeth, eat breakfast, get dressed, etc… On their way to work, they get hit by a bicycle.

The next day, the same thing happens. Get ready for work, leave, get hit by a bicycle. This goes on for weeks.

It was a vicious cycle.

A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars…
Naturally, he got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.

Each time he’d stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he’d find only sand. He had the sand analyzed at the lab and looked at the sack under a microscope he could never find anything wrong. This went on every day for the next month.

After the officer retired, he ran into the bicyclist in a restaurant in Tijuana. After some small talk he said, “Come on. I know you were smuggling something all that time. I won’t tell. I’m just curious. What was it?” The other man said, “Bicycles.”

The priest’s missing bicycle
A smalltown priest went to the mayor, complaining:

– Someone stole my bicycle!

The wise mayor responded:

– Fear not! There is an easy way to find it. All you need to do is to read the ten commandment in front of the whole congregation next Sunday. When you reach “Thou shalt not steal”, make a dramatic pause, then look everyone in the eyes. The one avoiding eye contact is surely guilty!

The next week they meet again, this time the priest riding his bicycle with a huge grin on his face.

– So the plan worked? – asked the mayor

– Well, in a way… I started reading the commandments like you suggested me to do. When I reached “Thou shalt not commit adultery”, I remembered where I had left it.

Why was the bike mad at him?
– He left all its folds behind.

Can you bike too much?

You see nothing wrong with discussing the connection between hydration and urine color.

You put your bike in your car and the value of the total package increases by a factor of 3 (or better).

Border Crossing
A young man comes up to the border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The border guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?” “Sand,” answers the young man. The guard is a bit skeptical and asks the young man to turn over the bags for inspection. The guard empties the bags, but finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the young man overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The young man is released and promptly rides across the border with his sandbags.

A week later, the same young man presents himself at the border. The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says the young man. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the young man who then rides across the border on his bicycle with the sandbags.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. Finally, the young man no longer appears at the border crossing. Many months go by and the border guard sees the young man in a cafe.

“Hey,” says the guard, “For three years you were smuggling something through my crossing station. It’s driving me crazy. Just between you and me, what were you smuggling?”

The young man sips his coffee and says, “Bicycles.”

What is the difference between a biker and Santa Claus?
– Santa has the red light.

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