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Bike jokes 🚲 in 2024

I need a new bicycle chain.
– Can anyone give me any links?

A guy parks his bicycle outside the US capitol…
security comes to him and says “you can’t park your bike here. Don’t you know that Congressmen, Senators, Speaker, Vice President, foreign dignitaries, and the President come here often?”
– the guy says “oh don’t worry, I’ve chained my bike!”

Guy crosses the border on a bicycle with two bags over his shoulder
The guard stops him and asks:
“What’s in the bags?”
“Nothing but sand sir”
So he examines the bags and indeed nothing but sand.
“Ok you’re clear move on”
Two weeks later, same thing.
So this guy goes on for months, every two weeks same bags, same sand and they find nothing and it drives them nuts.
So finally one day one of the guards can’t take it anymore and follows the guy. So he sees him sitting at a cafe with his two bags of sand. He steps up to him and says:
“Listen buddy you got us crazy down at the office. Please tell me what you’re smuggling, I know it must be something. I swear I won’t tell!”
So the guy takes a sip from his drink, lifts his head up and looks at him and says: ” bicycles.”

You hear someone had a crash and your first question is “How’s the bike?”

You take your bike along when you shop for a car – just to make sure the bike will fit inside.

You’re too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday night but pump out a five-hour century on Saturday.

A friend of mine works for a company that makes bikes. He’s their spokesman.

Why is the bike in someone’s garage-like their old girlfriend?
– Because they still miss her.

“I want to go biking!” “Well let’s bing a few minutes first.”

A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen
He decided to use it as inspiration for that week’s sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially “thou shalt not steal”
– Then he got to “thou shalt not commit adultery” and remembered where he left his bike.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it’s a good thing I did…
…’cause I fell 7 times on the way home…

Two best friends went to heaven.
At the pearly gates a saint stopped them and asked, ‘Were you faithful husbands on Earth?’

The first replied, ‘Yes, I’ve never betrayed my wife, I barely even looked at other women.’

The saint replied, ‘Very good, very good. You can drive this brand new sports car! Here, take the keys!’

Then the saint turned to the second man and asked, ‘Were you a faithful husband, too?’

‘Well, to be honest, I did cheat on my wife many times. I never came clean… and my wife hated me.’

‘Well, that’s not very good, however, you were a good man besides that. You can drive around this old, used Dodge.’

A few days later, the two best friends met, but the first had tears in his eyes and seemed heart-broken.

‘Hey, my friend, why are you crying?’

‘I saw my wife today.’

‘But that’s great! Did you say hello?’

‘No, that’s my problem,’ he said bitterly, ‘I couldn’t follow her onto the bicycle path with my sports car.’

Why did the cyclist stop at the red light?
– So he could read his Kindle.

What did the bicycle say to the tricycle?
– You can’t keep up with me!

How do cyclists pick up girls? They ride up and say “How you doin’?”

You wear your bike shorts swimming.

There is no time like the present, for postponing what you ought to be doing, and go bicycling instead…

My dog kept chasing people on bicycles
– So I took his bike away

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