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Divorce jokes in 2024

Why did the husband refuse to pay for his ex-wife’s lawyer? He said he didn’t want to fund his own misery.

Why did the husband refuse to pay spousal support? He said he didn’t want to fund his ex-wife’s shopping habits.

Why did the couple get divorced? They argued over the TV remote.

What do you call a marriage that ends because of a game of Monopoly? A board game divorce.

What’s the difference between a divorce and a break-up? A divorce is like a break-up on steroids.

What’s the best way to handle a divorce? With dignity and respect… or with a really good lawyer.

Why did the husband refuse to give his ex-wife the antique vase in the divorce settlement? He said it was worth more than her happiness.

What do you call a divorced couple who still share a bank account? A bad idea.

What do you call a divorce where both parties come out richer than they were before? A rare occurrence.

What did the divorce lawyer say to his client? You can’t have your cake and eat it too… but you can have half of it.

Why did the wife refuse to give up her maiden name after the divorce? She said it was the only thing that still felt like hers.

Why did the wife refuse to give her ex-husband the engagement ring back after the divorce? She said it was payment for all the years of emotional labor.

Why is a divorce like a job loss? Because you have to start all over again.

What do you call a divorce where both parties are happy with the settlement? A miracle.

Why is divorce like a game of chess? Because sometimes you have to sacrifice a piece to win the game.

Why did the wife refuse to give her ex-husband the wedding china in the divorce settlement? She said it was the only thing that matched her soul.

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it.

What’s the difference between a divorce and a hurricane? In a hurricane, you can’t blame it on your ex.

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