Ole and Lena jokes in 2024

Ole and Lena are on the patio barbequing when Ole says to her, “Lena your butt is getting pretty big. Ya, it’s even bigger
than da BBQ grill!”
Lena is not amused.
Later that night in bed, Ole asks Lena, “Say, do ya want to, vell ya know?” Lena turns away and grunts.
“What’s wrong?” asks Ole.
Lena answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire-up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

Ole says to the doctor at the Mayo Clinic: “I got a problem. I have a big bowel movement at 6 in da morning every day.”
Doctor: “That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?”
Ole: “Yah, but I don’t vake up until 7.”

Ole and Sven went fishing one day in a rented boat and were catching fish like crazy. Ole said, “We better mark dis spot so
ve can come back tomorrow and catch more fish.”
Sven then proceeded to mark the bottom of the boat with a large ‘X’. Ole asked him what he was doing, and Sven told him
he was marking the spot so they could come back to catch more fish.
Ole said, ” Ya big dummy, how do ya know ve are going ta get da same boat tomorrow?”

At the marriage retreat, the instructor talked about he importance of knowing what matters to each other.
“For example,” he began, pointing to Ole, “do you know your wife’s favorite flower?”
Ole answered, “Pillsbury All Purpose.”

Ole and Sven walk into a bar and they order some beers. After drinking his, Ole looks into his shirt pocket. They order
another round and Ole looks into his shirt pocket again. This goes on for a few more rounds.
Sven is curious, “Ole, why do you look in your pocket after each beer? “Whatcha got in der?”
Ole confesses, “I have a picture of my Lena in der, and when she starts ta look good, I go home.”

Ole walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant. “Sorry, we don’t sell bottom deodorant” the
pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.
“But I alvays buy it here”, Ole says. “I bought one last month”.
Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, ” I don’t know what you bought before, may be you can bring in the empty
container next time”. “Sure”, Ole replies. “I’ll bring it vith me tomorrow”
The next day, Ole walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick. “This is just a
normal deodorant”, the pharmacist tells Ole, “You use it under your arms”.
“No, it is not”, Ole answers, “it says so here: To apply, push up bottom”.

Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?
Sven: Dat sign dere says “Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High.” Dis here camper is t’irteen feet!
Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain’t no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!

Lena is in labor at the hospital ya know. The doctor tells them that he invented a pill that transfers some of the labor pain to
the father. To Ole’s dismay, Lena takes the pill.
Lena delivers a boy and Ole is happy it didn’t hurt too much.
Soon after they return home with their baby only to discover the mailman dead on their lawn.

Ole and Sven are sitting on the porch when Sven notices Oles socks. “Ole, did you know that your socks don’t match? You
are wearing one blue sock and one red sock.”
Ole replies, “Yep I know, funny ting is I have anudder pair just like it in my drawer at home.”

Sven came home to his apartment one night, all upset. “Dat yanitor, vot a bragger. He says he’s (Vell ya know) been with
every voman in dis building except one.”
“Hmmph,” said his wife Lena. “Must be dat snooty Mrs. Johnson on da tird floor.”

Ole and Sven are standing at the base of a flagpole in West Salem, looking up.
A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.
“Ve are supposed to find da height of da flagpole,” says Sven, “but ve don’t haf da ladder.”
The woman takes a wrench from her purse, loosens a few bolts, and lays the pole down. Then she takes a tape measure
from her pocketbook, takes a measurement, announces, “Eighteen feet, six inches”, and walks away.
Ole shakes his head and laughes. “Ain’t dat just like a voman! Ve ask for da height and she gives us da length!”

Little Ole is troubled and asks his father Ole, “Did God make me or did Evolution make me?”
Ole tells him, “God did. First, Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies grew up and made more babies, and so on.”
Little Ole then goes to his mother Lena and asks her the same question.
Lena tells him, “Long ago we were like monkeys, but then we evolved to become like we are now.”
Little Ole runs back to his father and screams, “You lied to me!”
“No I didn’t”, Ole replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of da family.”

Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the North woods and were becoming desperate, having run out of food several days ago. It
was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for
something to eat, he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out.
The genie says, “I am the great genie of the North and I can grant each of you one wish.
Ole says, “I vish I vas back on my farm.” Poof, Ole was gone.
Lena quickly says, “I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole.” Poof, Lena was gone.
Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, “What is your wish?”.
Sven says, “Gee, I’m really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena vas back here with me”.

A man is pulled over by a police officer for a broken headlight. The cop looks in the car and sees a collection of knives on the
backseat. “Sir,” he says. “Why do you have all those knives?”
“They’re for my juggling act,” the man replies.
“Prove it,” says the cop.
The man gets out of the car and begins juggling the knives just as Sven and Ole drive by.
“Cripes,” says Ole, “I’m glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety test look pretty hard.”

Ole, Sven and Lars die in a tragic Lutefisk accident. They are met by God on the stairway to heaven. God says, “There are
3,000 steps to heaven. It’s very serious up there. I’ll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to
hell.”
So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, Lars laughs out loud and goes straight to hell. Ole
and Sven look at each other nervously. On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and goes
to straight to hell.
On the 3,000th step God tells the last and best joke. Ole doesn’t laugh and proceeds to the gate. Suddenly, Ole bursts out
laughing hysterically. God asks, “What are you laughing about?”.
Ole replies, “Oh dat’s funny. I yust got da first yoke!”

Lena asks Ole, “Ole if I were to die first, would you remarry?”
“Vell,” says Ole, “I’m in good health, so why not?”
“Would she live in my house?”, asks Lena
“It’s all paid up, so yes.” Replies Ole.
“Would she drive my car?”
“It’s new, so yes.”
“Would she use my golf-clubs?”
“No. She’s left-handed.”

Lena is watching the news with Ole when the newscaster says, “Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.” Lena starts
crying to her husband, sobbing, “That’s horrible!”
Confused, he replies, “Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always dat risk involved.”
After a minute, Lena, still sobbing, says, “Ole, how many is a Brazilian?”

Ole and Lena were attending Lamaze class, when Ole was given a bag of sand to wear to simulate the weight of pregnancy.
Ole stood up and shrugged, saying, “Dis doesn’t feel so bad.”
The teacher then dropped a pen and asked Ole to pick it up.
“You want me to pick up a pen as if I were pregnant?” Ole asked.
“Exactly!” replied the instructor.
Ole quickly turned to Lena and said, “Honey, pick up dat pen for me.