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Ole and Lena jokes in 2022

Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?
Sven: Dat sign dere says “Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High.” Dis here camper is t’irteen feet!
Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain’t no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!

Lena is watching the news with Ole when the newscaster says, “Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.” Lena starts
crying to her husband, sobbing, “That’s horrible!”
Confused, he replies, “Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always dat risk involved.”
After a minute, Lena, still sobbing, says, “Ole, how many is a Brazilian?”

Ole and Lena are on the patio barbequing when Ole says to her, “Lena your butt is getting pretty big. Ya, it’s even bigger
than da BBQ grill!”
Lena is not amused.
Later that night in bed, Ole asks Lena, “Say, do ya want to, vell ya know?” Lena turns away and grunts.
“What’s wrong?” asks Ole.
Lena answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire-up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

Sven came home to his apartment one night, all upset. “Dat yanitor, vot a bragger. He says he’s (Vell ya know) been with
every voman in dis building except one.”
“Hmmph,” said his wife Lena. “Must be dat snooty Mrs. Johnson on da tird floor.”

Ole and Sven walk into a bar and they order some beers. After drinking his, Ole looks into his shirt pocket. They order
another round and Ole looks into his shirt pocket again. This goes on for a few more rounds.
Sven is curious, “Ole, why do you look in your pocket after each beer? “Whatcha got in der?”
Ole confesses, “I have a picture of my Lena in der, and when she starts ta look good, I go home.”

A man is pulled over by a police officer for a broken headlight. The cop looks in the car and sees a collection of knives on the
backseat. “Sir,” he says. “Why do you have all those knives?”
“They’re for my juggling act,” the man replies.
“Prove it,” says the cop.
The man gets out of the car and begins juggling the knives just as Sven and Ole drive by.
“Cripes,” says Ole, “I’m glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety test look pretty hard.”

Ole, Sven and Lars die in a tragic Lutefisk accident. They are met by God on the stairway to heaven. God says, “There are
3,000 steps to heaven. It’s very serious up there. I’ll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to
hell.”
So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, Lars laughs out loud and goes straight to hell. Ole
and Sven look at each other nervously. On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and goes
to straight to hell.
On the 3,000th step God tells the last and best joke. Ole doesn’t laugh and proceeds to the gate. Suddenly, Ole bursts out
laughing hysterically. God asks, “What are you laughing about?”.
Ole replies, “Oh dat’s funny. I yust got da first yoke!”

Ole and Sven are standing at the base of a flagpole in West Salem, looking up.
A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.
“Ve are supposed to find da height of da flagpole,” says Sven, “but ve don’t haf da ladder.”
The woman takes a wrench from her purse, loosens a few bolts, and lays the pole down. Then she takes a tape measure
from her pocketbook, takes a measurement, announces, “Eighteen feet, six inches”, and walks away.
Ole shakes his head and laughes. “Ain’t dat just like a voman! Ve ask for da height and she gives us da length!”

Lena asks Ole, “Ole if I were to die first, would you remarry?”
“Vell,” says Ole, “I’m in good health, so why not?”
“Would she live in my house?”, asks Lena
“It’s all paid up, so yes.” Replies Ole.
“Would she drive my car?”
“It’s new, so yes.”
“Would she use my golf-clubs?”
“No. She’s left-handed.”

Ole and Sven went fishing one day in a rented boat and were catching fish like crazy. Ole said, “We better mark dis spot so
ve can come back tomorrow and catch more fish.”
Sven then proceeded to mark the bottom of the boat with a large ‘X’. Ole asked him what he was doing, and Sven told him
he was marking the spot so they could come back to catch more fish.
Ole said, ” Ya big dummy, how do ya know ve are going ta get da same boat tomorrow?”

Little Ole is troubled and asks his father Ole, “Did God make me or did Evolution make me?”
Ole tells him, “God did. First, Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies grew up and made more babies, and so on.”
Little Ole then goes to his mother Lena and asks her the same question.
Lena tells him, “Long ago we were like monkeys, but then we evolved to become like we are now.”
Little Ole runs back to his father and screams, “You lied to me!”
“No I didn’t”, Ole replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of da family.”

Ole answered the phone one day and came back to the living room crying.
“Vell, Ole! Vat in da vorld is da matter?” asked the sympathetic Lena.
“I yust had bad news, Lena,” Ole replied, “My fadder yust died!!”
Just then the phone rang again, Ole went to answer it and came back crying again.
“Vell, now, Ole, vat is da matter?” asked Lena.
“Dat vas my brudder.” said Ole. “His fadder yust died too!”

Ole walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant. “Sorry, we don’t sell bottom deodorant” the
pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.
“But I alvays buy it here”, Ole says. “I bought one last month”.
Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, ” I don’t know what you bought before, may be you can bring in the empty
container next time”. “Sure”, Ole replies. “I’ll bring it vith me tomorrow”
The next day, Ole walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick. “This is just a
normal deodorant”, the pharmacist tells Ole, “You use it under your arms”.
“No, it is not”, Ole answers, “it says so here: To apply, push up bottom”.

At the marriage retreat, the instructor talked about he importance of knowing what matters to each other.
“For example,” he began, pointing to Ole, “do you know your wife’s favorite flower?”
Ole answered, “Pillsbury All Purpose.”

Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the North woods and were becoming desperate, having run out of food several days ago. It
was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for
something to eat, he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out.
The genie says, “I am the great genie of the North and I can grant each of you one wish.
Ole says, “I vish I vas back on my farm.” Poof, Ole was gone.
Lena quickly says, “I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole.” Poof, Lena was gone.
Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, “What is your wish?”.
Sven says, “Gee, I’m really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena vas back here with me”.

Ole says to the doctor at the Mayo Clinic: “I got a problem. I have a big bowel movement at 6 in da morning every day.”
Doctor: “That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?”
Ole: “Yah, but I don’t vake up until 7.”

Lena is taking a shower when the doorbell rings. Ole, in the bathroom upstairs, yells for her to get the door. Lena throws a
towel on and runs down to open the door. Sven, their neighbor is there. Sven looks at Lena with only her towel on and says,
“Lena if you drop da towel, I vill give you five-hunnerd dollars.”
So Lena drops her towel. Keeping his promise, Sven gives her the money and leaves. Lena closes the door and goes back to
the bathroom. Ole asks her, “Who vas dat?
Lena replies, “Oh, dat vas Sven from next door.” Lena thinks fast. “I don’t know vat he vanted doh.”
Ole then asks, “Did he say anyting about da five-hunnerd dollars he owes me?”

One fine spring day Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman
pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.
“Oh, no”, Ole protested. “I vas only doing tirty Officer.”
“No, you were doing fifty”, replied the cop.
“Really, Officer, I vas only doing tirty”, Ole replied stubbornly.
“Well”, bellowed the cop, “I clocked you doing FIFTY!”
At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up. “Officer…you really shouldn’t argue vit Ole
ven he’s been drinking.”

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