Forehead jokes in 2024

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She’s at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
– Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

PSA: don’t let them scan your forehead temperature at the grocery, it’s mind control!
– I came in to get eggs and bread, left with a bottle of whisky

With a forehead like yours, Dora would get lost exploring it.

A father names has 3 daughters named Petal, Flower, and Brick
Petal asks “dad, why was I named Petal?”
He says a petal fell from out of nowhere and landed on her forehead right after she was born so he named her Petal.

Flower asks “so, dad why was I named Flower?”
He says a flower fell from out of nowhere and landed on her forehead as well right after she was born so he named her Flower.

Finally Brick asks “daaaa ahhhhh tthhhhhahhh!!”

I wasn’t staring at you…
– I was trying to figure out if that’s your forehead or the moon.

I saw a man sitting in a parking lot, beating his forehead with a hammer. I asked him, “why are you doing that to yourself!?”
– He replied, “because it feels so good when I stop doing it!”

Warning.
Don’t let them take your forehead temperature at the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese.

And came home with two cases of beer.

My forehead is big because of all the disrespectful thoughts I keep to myself.

A guy walks into a bar…
A guy walks into a bar and notices that the place is mostly empty. Except for one end of the bar, that is. And there he sees a group of women standing around. All kinds of women – beautiful women, plain-looking women, shapely, skinny, fat, short, tall, blondes, brunettes – just about everything. In fact, he realizes that every woman in the bar is there.

He looks intently to see what the commotion is about and a break in the crowd reveals the ugliest shrimp of a man he’s ever seen sitting on a barstool in the midst of them as they vie for his attention. He’s taken aback. The man is perhaps 5 feet tall, rather fat but with skinny arms, balding on top but still enough hair for a bad combover. His thick dark unibrow contrasts with his pale skin and overshadows his beady eyes. His shabby, ill-fitting suit looks like it’s been resold at multiple thrift stores through its life and was never cleaned.

And, yet, there he was surrounded by gorgeous women.

Our protagonist is let down by the scene because he’d hoped to at least have a friendly chat with a woman this evening, but that clearly wasn’t happening, at least not at this bar.

So he approaches the bartender, has a seat, and says “Bartender, I don’t get it. Why are all those women making such a fuss over that disgusting little toad of a man?”

The bartender replies “I don’t get it, either. He’s not only disgusting, he’s creepy as all hell.”

“How so?”

“Well, for the last two hours he’s been sitting on that barstool and looking around with his beady little eyes while licking his forehead.”

I learned something really cool today.
When Patrick Stewart was a small boy, he had a third ear growing on his forehead. Apparently it’s a very very rare condition. So to make things worse, no matter how many surgeries he had, it always grew back.

So finally his parents go a hold of a surgeon in Manchester, who said that not only could he remove the ear permanently, but through a proprietary skin grafting technique, leave very little scarring behind.

So they went to Manchester to get him prepped for the surgery, but just before the surgery, he took one last look into a mirror and bid a fond farewell to his final front ear.

Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven…
As Forrest approaches the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him.
“Ah, welcome, Mr. Gump. We’ve been anxiously awaiting your arrival.”
Forrest looked intently, not quite sure what to make of the scene in front of him.
“Forrest, before I let you into Heaven, I need you to answer three questions. Would that be alright?”
Forrest nodded.

“Ok, Forrest, how many seconds are in a year?” Forrest thought for a moment and confidently answered “twelve”. Saint Peter was befuddled. “12?! You believe there are 12 seconds in a year?? Please explain.” Forrest replied. “Well, there’s January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, Apr-“ Saint Peter interrupted Forrest, “ok, I suppose you’re technically correct. That will do.” Forrest cracked a smile.

“Alright, Forrest, how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?” Forrest thought for a moment, furrowed his brow a bit, and then replied “four”. Saint Peter, again taken off guard, says to Forrest, “4?! How on Earth do you get 4??” Forrest looks Saint Peter in the eye and said, “well, you got Tuesday, Thursday, Today, and Tomorrow.” Saint Peter nearly fell over with incredulity. “Ok, I suppose that’s also technically correct.” Forrest’s smile grew.

“Ok, Forrest, lastly, what is God’s real name?” Forrest thought about the question, his brow wrinkled, a little bit of sweat began to form on his forehead. Then, Forrest’s eyes grew and he said, with booming authority, “Andy! God’s real name is Andy!” Saint Peter slammed his hands down onto the podium, “ANDY?! How, please tell me, did you arrive at ANDY!?” Forrest looked Saint Peter dead in the eye and said “Like the song says, ‘Andy walks with, Andy talks with me-“ Saint Peter sheepishly looked at Forrest and said “welcome to Heaven, Mr. Gump.”

You could power the whole neighborhood if you attached a solar panel to your forehead.

Preparation
He laid her on the table,
So white, clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide…he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,
And then he stuffed the turkey.

“Do Lemons Whistle?”
A drunk goes up to his host at a party and says with that terrible seriousness of totally plastered adults and very small children, “Excuse Me.”

The host turns around and there is the drunk, just plastered and glassy eyed, completely out of it. The host thinking there is something wrong says, “Yes? what’s the problem? what is it?”

The drunk says, “Can you answer a question?”

And the host says, “Sure! Fire away”

The drunk speaking very carefully says, “Do lemons whistle?”

The host says, “No lemons do not whistle. Why do you ask?”

The drunk staggers back and smacks his forehead in chagrin and states,

“Oh my God! Well in that case I have squeezed your canary into my Gin & Tonic”

When you’re cute but your forehead is so big it’s disrespectful

I was tailgating this guy down the street when he stopped his car and got out.
I gulped as the muscular specimen strode over to my driver’s window and said, “Problem, sir?”

I said, “Uh… sure.” Scratching my forehead. “What is 120 subtract 42?”

John came to school with a scar on his forehead
– Tom asked him what do you have on your face?
John answered that it was a scar and it was his fathers fault. John explained that he hit a nail with his fist, and his father told him that he really should use his head sometimes.

Two crazy guys meet
-Hey dude, let me hit a nail in your forehead
-You think I’m crazy?! What if you miss the nail and hit my head?