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Rodney Dangerfield Jokes in 2024

“My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.”

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him, “If you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion.” He said, “All right. You’re ugly too!”

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

What a childhood I had. When I took my first step, my old man tripped me.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I’m so ugly, one time I stuck my head out the window. The police charged me for mooning.

I tell ya my old man was strict. He said, “No drinking in the house.” I had two brothers who died of thirst.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My wife, she loves vacations. Last night she told me, “I wanna go someplace I’ve never been before.” I took her to a men’s room.

If it weren’t for pick-pocketers, I’d have no sex life at all.

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