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Rodney Dangerfield Jokes in 2023

“My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.”

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look, twins!”

My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There are so many places they can hide.”

I tell you, with my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.” He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.”

I tell ya, when I was a kid I got no respect. My parents got divorced. They had a custody fight over me. No one showed up.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with!

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

“Boy what a hotel that was. Why, they stole my towel!”

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