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Rodney Dangerfield Jokes in 2025

“My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.”

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

My wife is never nice. She won a trip for two to Las Vegas. She went twice.

My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, “Did you see the guy that did it?” She said, “No, but I got the license plate.”

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

My old man was a workaholic: every time he thought about work, he got drunk.

“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.

From my wife, I don’t get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. My wife lit it.

“My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah. My wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?” He said, “Because you came home early.”

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

I tell ya, my family. Most of them are drunks. When I was a kid, I got lost. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.

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