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Rodney Dangerfield Jokes in 2024

“My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.”

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.

From my wife, I don’t get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. My wife lit it.

“My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah. My wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?” He said, “Because you came home early.”

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

I tell ya, my family. Most of them are drunks. When I was a kid, I got lost. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide.” He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I went to a massage parlor.. It was self-service. ..

“I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.”

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I tell ya with girls, I don’t get no respect. I had a date with a girl, I waited two hours at the corner. A girl showed up. I said “Are you Louise?” She said, “Are you Rodney?” I said, “Yeah.” She said, “I’m not Louise.”

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

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