Most Popular Categories

All Categories

Rodney Dangerfield Jokes in 2024

“My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.”

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

If it weren’t for pick-pocketers, I’d have no sex life at all.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek – she bent over!

I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness…AFTER I was born.

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous. Everyone hasn’t met me yet.”

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Oh when I was a kid, I got no respect. I played hide and seek. They wouldn’t even look for me.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look, twins!”

My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There are so many places they can hide.”

I tell you, with my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.” He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

Follow us on Facebook