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Rodney Dangerfield Jokes in 2024

“My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.”

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

“For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.”

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.

No respect, I tell ya I don’t get no respect! I went to the hardware store to buy some rat poison. The cashier says ‘Do you want a bag, or are you gonna eat it here?’

“I went to see my doctor. ‘Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror… I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?’ He said, ‘I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.’”

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid, there are so many places they can hide.”

I tell ya, when I was a kid, my old man never liked me. He took me to the zoo. He told me to go over to the leopard and play connect the dots.

I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps … from moving cars.”

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

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