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Doctor jokes 👨‍⚕️ in 2024

I went to the doctor this morning and said, “I’ve swallowed a golf ball.”
-The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it’s gone down a fairway.”

How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.
-One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
-A URL-ologist.

What do you get when a doctor goes back in time to teach himself medicine?
-A pair o’ docs.

Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.”
“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?
– Yea, I shaved with the electric razor

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
-Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

What did the balloon say to the doctor?
-“I feel light-headed.”

I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery.
-But he changed my mind.

Patient: “Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!”
Doctor: “So why are you telling me?”
-Patient: “I can’t understand the writing. Was it you?”

How did the doctor cure the invisible man?
-He took him to the ICU.

Did you hear the one about the germ?
– Never mind; I don’t want to spread it around.

Why did Dracula go to the doctor?
-He couldn’t stop coffin

Patient: “Doctor, I need your help. I’m addicted to checking my Twitter.”
– Doctor: “I’m so sorry; I don’t follow.”

Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me — I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?
-Not really — I spill most of it

Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
– IOnly if you aim it well enough.

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot.”
-Doctor: “Don’t get yourself in a stew.”

Why did the rope go to the doctor?
– It had a knot in its stomach.

How do you know your doctor is a vampire?
– He draws your blood from your neck with a straw!

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