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Doctor jokes 👨‍⚕️ in 2024

I went to the doctor this morning and said, “I’ve swallowed a golf ball.”
-The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it’s gone down a fairway.”

How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.
-One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?
– He’s all right now!

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck in my ear!”
-Doctor: “Don’t worry, I have some cream for that.”

Doctors ask you where it hurts,
-but then put pressure on it..

Secretary: “Doctor, there’s a patient on line one who says he’s invisible.”
-Doctor: “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”

Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
-A cold never bothered her, anyway

My kid’s pediatrician canceled my appointment because I was five minutes late
-He has very little patients.

Patient: “Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?”
-Doctor: “Sell!”

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
-She told me to stop going to those places.

Patient: “Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for $1,000. I can’t pay that before the end of the month!”
-Doctor: “OK, then you have six months to live.”

Why did the doctor lose his temper? Teacher Without Students?
-Because he didn’t have any patients!

Who do you call when you need a doctor immediately?
-The nearest golf course.

Why do surgeons wear masks?
– So no one will recognize them when they make a mistake.

My dermatologist was fired today.
– I’m told he made too many rash decisions.

A farmer counted 298 cows in his field.
-When he rounded them up, he had 300.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
-He wasn’t peeling well.

I’ve never vaccinated any of my kids.
-I just pay the pediatrician to do it.

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