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Doctor jokes 👨‍⚕️ in 2023

I went to the doctor this morning and said, “I’ve swallowed a golf ball.”
-The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it’s gone down a fairway.”

How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.
-One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

A farmer counted 298 cows in his field.
-When he rounded them up, he had 300.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
-He wasn’t peeling well.

I’ve never vaccinated any of my kids.
-I just pay the pediatrician to do it.

What did the doctor say to the rocket ship?
– “Time to get your booster shot!”

Why did the robot go to the doctor?
– She had a virus!

Patient to friend: “I saw the doctor today about my loss of memory.”
Friend: “What did he say?”
-Patient: “He asked me to pay him in advance.”.

Patient: “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.”
-Doctor: “Sit down and don’t stir.”

The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, “I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?”
-Yes,” replied the patient faintly. “Another doctor.

A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money.
-Rumor has it he was last spotted on his way to a topical island.

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I think I am losing my memory!”
Doctor: “When did that happen?”
-Patient: “When did what happen?”

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into curtains.”
-Doctor: “Pull yourself together!”

Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian?
– Apparently it’s all about the delivery for some people.

What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
-et dressed up — the doctor is taking us out!

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!”
-Doctor: “Try to block out the pain.”

Doctor: “I accidentally left my gloves inside your stomach during your operation. We have to open you back up.”
– Patient: “Are you kidding me?! Tell you what, take this $10 bill and buy a new pair!”

Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?
-He kept feeling jumpy.

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