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Doctor jokes 👨‍⚕️ in 2023

I went to the doctor this morning and said, “I’ve swallowed a golf ball.”
-The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it’s gone down a fairway.”

Why did the bucket go to the doctor?
– He had a pail face.

Why did the calendar have to visit the doctor?
– It had a terrible year-ache.

What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician?
-General Ken OB.

Patient: “I always see spots before my eyes.”
Doctor: “Didn’t the new glasses help?”
– Patient: “Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.”

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’m going to die in 59 seconds!”
– Doctor: “Hang on, I’ll be there in a minute.”

A bicycle rolls into the doctor’s office. It says, “Doc, you gotta help me! I can’t keep from yawning all day long.”
– The doctor says, “Well, I think it’s because you’re two tired.”

How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.
-One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Doctor: “What seems to be your trouble?”
-Patient: “When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour?”
Doctor: “Try getting up one hour later.”

What did the judge say to the dentist?
-Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?

Patient: “Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.”
-Doctor: “You can pay by cash, check, or money order.”

Two years ago, my doctor told me I was going deaf.
-I haven’t heard from him since.

I can’t believe I wanted to be an obstetrician.
-I can’t even deliver a joke.

Doctor: “Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed 10 quarters last night?”
-Nurse: “No change yet.”

A skeleton went to the doctor.
-The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, “Aren’t you a little late?”

Receptionist: “The doctor is so funny; he’ll have you in stitches.”
-Patient: “I hope not — I only came in for a checkup.”

I went to the doctor, and he said I had acute appendicitis,
– and I said compared to who?

Why did the computer go to the doctor?
-It thought it had a terminal illness

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