Roof jokes in 2022

I just got back from the funeral of my 82 year old neighbour who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna.
– The funeral was sad, but the reception was excellent.

I think I identify as a church roof.
I’m beginning to tran-spire

Help! I’m stuck on Rick Astley’s roof
– He took away the ladder and said he is never gonna let me down.

I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day…
– But luckily, my boss told me that I could wipe the slate clean.

I think my dog wants to be a carpenter.
– He likes roofing.

Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*
Car roof: *slaps Isaac Newton*

Two carpenters are fixing a barn roof…
when the wind blows their ladder over. “Oh great,” says the first one, “How are we supposed to get down?”

“Well,” replies the second one, “I’ll go to this end and look for a way down, and you can go to the opposite end and search as well.”

“Ok,” replies the first carpenter as he goes to investigate his end of the barn. He looks around but sees nothing close enough for him to climb on to get down from the roof. As he’s searching, he sees the second carpenter walking past on the ground.

The first carpenter calls out, “Hey, how did you get down?”

The second carpenter looks up and says, “I jumped in a pile of manure on the other side. It’s about ankle-deep!”
So the first carpenter hurries to the other side and jumps in the pile of manure and lands up to his neck in it.

He climbs out, disgusted, and catches up to the second carpenter asking, “Why did you tell me it was ankle deep? I landed in a pile of manure up to my neck!”

The second carpenter blinks and says, “You didn’t dive in head first?”

Roofers are very straightforward.
– It’s always easy to tell what they are rafter.

Uncle Mike the roofer
– My Uncle mike is a roofer. I got him to do some work on my house. After he finished I asked him “how much do I owe you?”

He said, “The gutters are gonna be a couple hundred, but since we are family, the shingles are on the house.”

How many lawyers does it take to tile a roof?
– It depends on how thinly you slice them

A bartender walks out of a bar, sees a shot of Vodka on the roof and says:
– This one’s on the house.

May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.

Did you hear Beyonce now owns an all female roofing company?
– It’s called “All The Shingle Ladies”.

A student was standing at the edge of the roof of his school and was about jump off and commit suicide.
– Suddenly from the school grounds his physics teacher yells to him, “Don’t jump, you’ve got lots of potential!”

A tree fell and destroyed a quarter of my roof yesterday.
oof

A woman sat on the roof of her house as the flood waters rose around her.
– A man in a small motor boat pulled up and said, “Come on! We’ve got to go!” She replied, “No thank you. I’m waiting on the Lord to save me.”

Not long after that, a helicopter hovered overhead and a rescue worker repelled down to try and save her. She said, “No thank you. I’m waiting on the Lord to save me.”

Eventually, the floodwaters rose above her home and she drowned. While standing at the Pearly Gates she saw the Lord and said to him “Oh Lord, why didn’t you save me?”

The Lord replied, “I sent you a boat, I sent you a helicopter, what in the hell do you want?!”

A roofer gets to choose how to get onto the roof. He can either use a scissor lift or a series of steps between two metal poles.
– He chose the ladder.