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Statistics jokes 📊 in 2023

According to statistics one in three people live next to a paedophile
– Thankfully I just live next to some really hot 11 year olds

What’s different between stock market and statistics??
– Some people do get statistics

Thousands of people die every day. Thats just a statistic.
– But for some reason when i kill them it’s monstrosity instead

Statistically speaking, active people are less likely to be demonically possessed than sedentary people.
– This is one of the benefits of exorcising regularly.

Statistics show 65% of Baltimore men have had sex in the shower.
– The other 35% haven’t been to prison yet.

I tell all my dates I’m an open book.
– The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition.

There are many problems with math puns.
Calculus jokes are mostly derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others
that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.


Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
– I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend

I don’t understand statistics like mean, mode and median
– Is that normal?

Statistically speaking, the data I have collected indicates my dad jokes are quite funny…
– I guess you can call it dada science…

Two Statistics majors walk into a bar
– What’re the chances!

Three statisticians go out hunting together…
– After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and ends up shooting too far to the left of the rabbit. The second aims, misses, and shoots too far to the right. The third shouts out “We got him!”

69% of all statistics are made up
– Every 69 I’ve ever been involved in was made up

Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters
– Ten long miserable years

Which politician is the biggest supporter of statistical sciences?
– Putin. He really loves the Poisson distribution.

Every 40 seconds…
– A statistic is misused

Dead Crows
During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenger car.

This seemed so statistically unlikely that the city engaged some experts from a local university to study the matter and determine the explanation. What they eventually discovered was that when scavenging, crows always post a sentinel in a nearby tree to warn of the approach of predators or other dangers. The difficulty turned out to be that the crows had no trouble saying “Cah!” but absolutely could not pronounce “truck”.

I’ll let myself out.

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