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Statistics jokes 📊 in 2023

According to statistics one in three people live next to a paedophile
– Thankfully I just live next to some really hot 11 year olds

Don’t be a statistic
– Be an outlier.

A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.
– For support, rather than illumination.

TIL: 5/7 People make up statistics on the spot.
– There is a 50% chance this data lacks validity though.

I heard a statistic that there are more men named David in charge of companies than there are women.
– Well obviously. How many women do you know named David?

Statisticians give low paid workers an expected life of 68.7 years
– That’s mean

Statistics say that 2 out of 10 people don’t understand how percentages work.
– Unlike us, the other 90%.

I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others
that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.


Statistics say that 95% of the population is dumb
– I’m glad to be in the 10% that isn’t.

A statistician, a mathematician, and a biologist are standing outside a house.
They watch two people walk in. A couple hours later, they watch three people walk out.

The statistician considers the problem for a moment, then thinks to himself: “Oh, we must have miscounted.”

The biologist, naturally, goes through a similar moment of introspection before deciding, “Ah, they must have reproduced!”

Meanwhile, the mathematician arrived at the solution almost immediately: “If one person goes back into the house, it will be completely empty!”

Statistics can be misleading.
– For example, 5 out of 6 people think Russian roulette is perfectly safe.

Did you know that, statistically, only one in seven dwarfs…
– Is happy?

Two statisticians walk into a bar…
– What are the chances of that?

– 6 out of 7 Dwarfs aren’t Happy.

I was shocked to read this. Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves
– aren’t Happy

Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.

The Department of Unfinished Statistics concluded…
… that 7 out of 10.

Two statisticians are out hunting…
– Two statisticians are out hunting when one of them sees a duck. The first takes aim and shoots, but the bullet goes sailing pass 6in too high. The second statistician also takes aim and shoots, but this time the bullet goes sailing past 6in too low. The two statisticians then give one another high fives and exclaim “Got him!”

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