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Statistics jokes 📊 in 2022

I asked my German friend to draw me a circular statistical diagram.
“Venn?” he asked.

“As soon as you can.”

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.
– I think it’s because of pier pressure.

My statistic skills are mediocre at best
– And average at worst

They say statistically, 1 out of every 3 of your neighbors are likely to be a pedophile.
– Luckily for me, I live next to two gorgeous 12 year olds.

can somebody tell me how statistics are done
mathematician: by all means

A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says “did you know that everytime I breathe somebody’s dies?”
– The fellow turns to him and says “have you tried mouthwash?”

This is a frightening statistic
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness!
That’s scary!
It means 75% are running around untreated!

Statistically…
– 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.

When a statistician goes through airport security, they find a bomb in his bag.
– He explains, “The chances that there is one bomb on a plane is 1/1000. The chance there are two bombs on a plane, is 1/1,000,000. Therefore we are much safer.”

According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.
– But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

I just got married and I am scared of the statistics..
I’m not sure if I should be more worried about that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce or that 50-60% of all marriages last..

Jk honey, I love you. ^^^^^help

When a statistician passes the airport security check…
When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. “Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer…”

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