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Bartender jokes 🍹🍸 in 2024

A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar
– Bartender says “What can I get you Mr. President?”

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint
– The bartender says You know, you’re in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?
The horse says I don’t think I am.. and promptly disappears from existence.

See this was a joke about Descarte’s famous philosophy line I think therefore I am but if I had explained that before the rest of the joke I would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey.
– The bartender asks what is the occasion.

The man replies ‘his first blowjob’

The bartender congrats him and offers to buy him another shot

The man says that is unnecessary, if ten shots doesn’t get the taste out of his mouth, one more won’t make a difference.

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks “Are you having beer?”
– He replies “i think not.” And instantly disappears.

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar
– The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says “sort it out yourselves.”

E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says,
– “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

A Zebra walks into a pub and asks for a beer.
– The bartender says “Sorry I can’t serve you”
The Zebra asks “Why not?”

How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
– Poke-her-face.

An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.
– “What’ll it be?” The bartender asks.

“I’ll have a beer,” the etymologist says. “A word which comes from Latin *bibere*, meaning “to drink”.

“I’ll have an Americano,” the entomologist says. “It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!”

The bartender gets them their drinks. “And for you, sir?” he asks the third man.

“I’m just wondering how I got here,” the etiologist replies.

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit “what’ll ya have?” The rabbit replies,
– “I dunno… I’m just here because of autocorrect.”

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”
– “Because…He’s my newt.

Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other, “It’s hot in here.
– ” The other snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”

Gordon Ramsay walks into a bar…
– … and asks for a glass of water with ice. Once his drink is served, he looks at the bartender and asks: “What did you use to make the ice cubes?”

Bartender: “Water.”

Ramsay: “Fresh?”

Bartender: “No, frozen.”

Ramsay: “Oh for fuck’s sake.”

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. “Is everything okay, pal?”
– “Yeah. But today is the last day…”

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name…
– …and you’ve never been to that bar before.

A man walks into a bar owned by horses. The bartender says,
– “Why the short face?”

A dog walks into a bar
– The dog says, “Gimme a beer.” The bartender says, “Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!” The dog says, “They’re hiring electricians at the circus?”

Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks why the long face?
– Horse replies, The bank denied my home loan because I don’t have stable income.

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