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Bartender jokes 🍹🍸 in 2024

A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey.
– The bartender asks what is the occasion.

The man replies ‘his first blowjob’

The bartender congrats him and offers to buy him another shot

The man says that is unnecessary, if ten shots doesn’t get the taste out of his mouth, one more won’t make a difference.

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks “Are you having beer?”
– He replies “i think not.” And instantly disappears.

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar
– The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says “sort it out yourselves.”

E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says,
– “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar
– Bartender says “What can I get you Mr. President?”

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint
– The bartender says You know, you’re in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?
The horse says I don’t think I am.. and promptly disappears from existence.

See this was a joke about Descarte’s famous philosophy line I think therefore I am but if I had explained that before the rest of the joke I would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink. “Long day?” the bartender asks.
– “No, all days are 24 hours long” the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.

The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

At a wedding reception, the best man said, ‘would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.’
– The poor bartender was crushed to death.

A bear walks in to a bar and says, I’ll have a gin and……….tonic. The bartender asks, Why the big pause? The bear looks down for a second and says, I don’t know,
– I guess I was just born this way.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini “Dry?” the bartender asks…
– …“Nein,” says the German. “Just one.”

A robot walks into a bar. The bartender asks,
– “What’ll ya have?”

The robot says, “Well, it’s been a long day and I need to loosen up. How about a screwdriver?

A sandwich walks into a bar. The landlord says,
– “Sorry sir, we don’t serve food here.”

A cat walks into a bar.
– The bartender says, “what’ll you have?”
The cat says, “A shot of rum.”
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
“Another.”

Two scientists walk into a bar
– I’ll have H20 says the 1st.

I’ll have H20, too says the 2nd.

The bartender doesn’t have a clue what they want because he flunked out of high school, and started working at a bar.

I got a bit too drunk during a date.
– “Um…” she said, embarrassed, “I think you should order a taxi.”

I stumbled up to the bartender and said, “I’d like a taxi, please.”

A woman walks in the bar and asks for double entendre.
– So he gives it to her.

A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar.
– He says to the bartender, “A beer for me, and one for the road.”

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