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Weekend jokes in 2024

Had an amazing time Bobsleighing last weekend.
– I slayed 28 Bobs!!

NSFW A man returns to work on Tuesday after a long weekend due to his 25th wedding anniversary he had celebrated over the weekend. His buddies were happy to see him and wanted to know how his little vacation was. “Perfect!”, he replied. “I came home, and nobody was home. So I went upstairs to
– the bedroom and there she was; naked and on all fours, and she tells me happy anniversary, you can do whatever you want to me!
His friends asked, “So what did you do!?!?”
He replied, “I sent her to her mother’s!”

What did a worker tell his co-worker when the long and busy week was about to end?
– “Fri-nally.”

What should you do on Good Friday if you want to eat a lot on Easter?
– Egg-cersise.

Nathan Chen won the figure skating gold at the olympics over the weekend
– The judges rated his performance a perfect Chen out of Chen

I went to a bar on the weekend and the sign read:
Hamburgers £1:00
Cheeseburgers £2:00
Hand Job £3:00 (Oh yesss!!)
I called the attractive blonde behind the bar across to enquire. “Can I help you?” she asked with a big smile. “I was wondering (I whispered) Are you the one who gives them ummm!! Hand Jobs?” “Yessssss” she almost purrs “I am” “Well wash your hands,” I said “I want a cheeseburger!!”

Why should one visit a tire shop on Black Friday?
– They will have a blowout.

Where should a cow go on a Friday night after work?
– Mooooooooovies.

Sometimes during the weekends I drink some water
– you know, to surprise my liver.

Patrick was having a vacation in Australia
and couldn’t seem to make it with any of the girls….So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

Mate, it’s obvious,’ says the lifeguard, you’re wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style.

Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos – About two sizes
too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside ’em.
I’m tellin’ ya mate…you’ll have all the babes ya want!’

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him,
‘What’s wrong now?’
‘JEEZUS CHRIST!’ said the lifeguard, ‘Maaaaate. The potato goes in front!’

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
– I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

Why did I come back from the office early?
– Because it was Friday De somber the 13th.

How long is Monday from Friday night?
– Five minutes.

I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend
– That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks

My mother advised me not to marry an electrician
“Don’t marry an electrician, he will take late night calls and plug himself into other women”, my mother warned me.

“Don’t marry a plumber either”, she continued, “he will work on weekends and do other women’s pipes”.

“Don’t marry a pizza boy neither. He will work on Friday nights and make other women pizzas”

And that’s why I married an unemployed man!

I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.
– It was so emotional.

Even the cake was in tiers.

What would a tired person do if Friday night was a person?
– Hug it and never let it go.

What did I say to my friend who asked me if I know the best Friday jokes?
– I told her that I only know Good Friday jokes.

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