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Weekend jokes in 2024

I went fishing at the weekend and there was this bloke splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, “I can’t swim! I can’t swim!”
– “It’s alright, mate,” I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, “It says no swimming anyway.”

I came up with a joke on Tinder. It was wasted on her.
– Frodo, Sam, Pippen and Merry went to Kay’s Jewellers. Frodo said to the jeweler: “We are all getting married this weekend, and we shall need 4 wedding bands!”. The jeweler responded, “I’m sorry, we are almost completely sold out. The best I can offer is one ring to woo them all.”

What was on the specials on Black Friday?
– Leftovers from Thanksgiving Thursday.

What is Friday’s favorite day?
– Friday. It’s just that good of a day.

My weekend is looking like a poorly organized herb gardener.
– Nothing but thyme on my hands.

Boss: Can you work this weekend?
Me: Yeah no worries but I’ll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends.

Boss: What time will you get here?

Me: Monday.

I watched the Harry Potter films for the first time at the weekend
They were okay, but a bit unrealistic: a ginger schoolkid with two friends?

What happens to black cats on Friday the 13th?
– They have a lot of hiccups.

What does it mean when you arrived late at work for the fifth time in a week?
– It means that is a Friday.

I have to admit I hosted a super spreader event last weekend.
– Luckily no one who attended the orgy caught CoVid

What do you call a stoned Canadian before the weekend?
– Fried, eh?

My 10 year high school reunion was this weekend…
– I ran into these twin brothers I hadn’t seen since graduation, and I thought to myself..
“Well, you two still look the same.”

What do you call the day when you have to submit a huge assignment that you have not even started?
– Frightay.

Where does Christmas come before Good Friday and Easter?
– In a dictionary.

A lot of times I’m depressed throughout the week, and then the weekend comes and I’m worse…
– Some would call it a sadder day.

Washing Machine Repair
– So my washing machine has been broken for a few weeks now. When you’d run it, it would get off balance during the spin cycle, causing it to make loud, metallic thumps and scoot across the laundry room.

I spent last weekend disassembling it to find the problem. I located the faulty part and ordered a replacement. It came in this week and I spent the afternoon making the repair. It involved once again taking the washing machine apart, pulling out the broken part, putting in the new part, and reassembling. The whole process took a couple of hours.

When the repair was finally done, I was so excited that I immediately put a huge load into it.

…then afterwards, I put in some laundry to test it.

When do rich people celebrate Black Friday?
– Every day.

Why was everybody so worried about Friday?
– Because it was Fatal Friday.

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