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Weekend jokes in 2024

Where should a cow go on a Friday night after work?
– Mooooooooovies.

Sometimes during the weekends I drink some water
– you know, to surprise my liver.

Patrick was having a vacation in Australia
and couldn’t seem to make it with any of the girls….So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

Mate, it’s obvious,’ says the lifeguard, you’re wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style.

Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos – About two sizes
too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside ’em.
I’m tellin’ ya mate…you’ll have all the babes ya want!’

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him,
‘What’s wrong now?’
‘JEEZUS CHRIST!’ said the lifeguard, ‘Maaaaate. The potato goes in front!’

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
– I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

Why did I come back from the office early?
– Because it was Friday De somber the 13th.

How long is Monday from Friday night?
– Five minutes.

I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend
– That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks

My mother advised me not to marry an electrician
“Don’t marry an electrician, he will take late night calls and plug himself into other women”, my mother warned me.

“Don’t marry a plumber either”, she continued, “he will work on weekends and do other women’s pipes”.

“Don’t marry a pizza boy neither. He will work on Friday nights and make other women pizzas”

And that’s why I married an unemployed man!

I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.
– It was so emotional.

Even the cake was in tiers.

What would a tired person do if Friday night was a person?
– Hug it and never let it go.

What did I say to my friend who asked me if I know the best Friday jokes?
– I told her that I only know Good Friday jokes.

Did you hear that people in Minnesota are very excited this year?
– Summer is forecasted to be on a weekend!

A joke my 9 yr old told at a BBQ we had over the weekend. He brought down the house.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
– To keep their nuts dry!

Why was the boat shop owner happy on Black Friday?
– It was the most successful sail of that year.

What did John Wicks’ enemy tell him on Friday?
– “Be careful, Wicks going to end soon”.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
– To keep their nuts dry!

I was at a party last weekend
– The DJ played the Macarena, so I did the Macarena

Next, he played the Hustle, so I did the Hustle

Finally, he played “Come on, Eileen”. I got kicked out for that one.

My gardener is entering his Bonsai plants in a contest this weekend
– I’m rooting for him

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