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Uncle Jokes in 2024

My uncle always talks about his disappointing sex life…
– It always end in an Auntie climax.

My drunk uncle is Santa Claus
– He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.

My uncle’s wife is a centimeter tall, has six legs, and is always on edge.
– I guess you could say she’s a little a(u)nt-sy.

30 years ago my uncle stole my nose, and he hasn’t given it back.
-Lord Voldemort

It’s like my uncle always said: “The day I can’t do my job drunk…”
“…is the day I hand in my badge and gun.”

Well,would you?
– If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?

I’m worried about volunteering to help my uncle at work tomorrow at the coroner’s office
– It’s a pretty big undertaking

My uncle was a ventriloquist dummy. He died drinking furniture polish.
– It was a slow death but a beautiful finish.

Uncle Ben
– A true credit to his rice

Uncle came over for Christmas, and told me these wisdoms: “Forget the future, you cannot predict it. Forget the past, you cannot change it.”
– “And forget the present, I didn’t get you one.”

I’m trying to get my aunt and uncle to buy a donkey…
– But I don’t wanna be an ass

Ant Man?
– Why don’t they just call him uncle?

My uncle was a math teacher.
– When he retired, he bought a boat and named it Aftermath.

I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant
– He said: it’s naan of your business

Did you hear they are changing the Uncle Ben’s Logo?
– Everyone thought it was ricest.

I just got a repressed memory foam mattress.
– It holds me just like my uncle used to.

My Uncle says that if you do something you love then you’ll never work a day in your life
– as he rolled yet another joint.

Joke from my great uncle: You know that movie “Constipation” that was supposed to come out this year?
– It didn’t.

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