Twin jokes 👭🏻👬🏻 in 2024

There’s a pair of twins, Ivan and Oliver Peterson.
They both became doctors. Not medical doctors, but doctors in meteorology.

They study the rain. You know,

Dr.I.P.

Dr.O.P.

A fisherman’s wife gives birth to a healthy set of twins.
– After some time, they notice that one boy always faces toward the ocean and the other always faces away. Even if the parents were to turn them, they would always reposition themselves. So the name the boys “Toward” and “Away” respectively. On the twins’ tenth birthday, the fisherman takes them on a fishing trip. He tells his wife that they will be back in a week. A week passes. Then a month. Then two. Three months pass with no word, and the wife begins to lose hope. However, one day, she saw two figures approaching from the horizon, dragging the biggest fish she’d ever seen. She runs to her husband and child and says, “Wow! That fish is gigantic!” The fisherman says, “Well, it’s actually a funny story. We spent a week at sea, with no luck. However, on the last day, this beast jumped up on the deck and ate Toward whole! For three months I fought the fish, until eventually I was able to defeat it and cut Toward free.”
“That’s amazing!”, the wife says to her son, “but where’s your brother?” The fisherman interrupts and says, “Well, if you think this guy is big, you should have seen the one that got Away!”

Doctor twin visits pastor twin
A couple has identical twin sons.

After they finish school, they go to separate cities for university: one studies medicine and eventually gets his MD degree; the other decides to become a man of the cloth and gets his DD (Doctor of Divinity).

The doctor settles down near the city where he studied and his twin brother gets appointed to be a pastor in a small town near his university.

One day, the doctor twin decides to visit his brother. He checks in at a little inn and decides to go for a walk around town first to stretch his legs a little after the car drive.

While he is walking, he is greeted by a member of his twin’s congregation: “Good afternoon, Reverend!”

He responds, “Oh, you must have mistaken me for my twin brother! I’m the one who practices, not the one who preaches.”

A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins…
She asks the doctor “Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!”
The doctor says “Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news.”
Immediately thinking the worst, the mother asks “Oh my God, what’s wrong?”
“Well, you were recovering for a long time,” the doctor says solemnly, “we had to give the children a name. Your brother chose them…”
Shocked, the mother asks “What did he name the girl?”
The doctor lets out a sigh and says “Denise.”
“Oh!” The mother says, “That’s a lovely name, what about the boy?”
The doctor places a hand on the mother’s shoulder, shaking his head he says…
“Denephew.”

If I had an identical twin…
– I would have him discreetly follow me around whenever I’m hanging out with a girl. If she ever asks me “Are you single?”, he will jump out of the bushes and say, “No, I’m double.”

My buddy tells me he had sex with his GF and her twin the other night.
I asked him how he told them apart.
He says, “well her brother has a mustache”

What are the similarities between the Twin Towers and Genders?
– There used to only be two, now it’s a really touchy subject

My buddy had a threesome with his GF and her twin….
– I asked him how he could tell them apart? He told me her brother had a mustache…

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George’s hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.
An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers’ picture. “I’m going to take your picture,” she said.
“What did she say?” asked Ted. “She says she’s going to take our picture,” replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.
Inside the room were two chairs. “Now sit down in these chairs,” she said.
“What did she say?” asked Ted. “She says we should sit down in these chairs,” replied George. So George and Ted sat down in the chairs.
The photographer pulled out her camera and pointed it at the birthday brothers. “Now let me focus,” she said.
“What did she say?” asked Ted. “She says she’s going to focus,” replied George.
“Wow!” exclaimed Ted. “Both of us at the same time?”

What do the Twin Towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common?
– They both went down on my dad.

A scientist couple had identical twins…
– They named one Peter and the other one Control Group.

A man tells his shrink he’s no longer attracted to his wife.
“For some reason I’m only aroused by small pieces of fruit.”

“I’ve seen this before, you have Twin Syndrome.,” the doc replies.

“Twin Syndrome?”

“You only come in pears.”

My dad was a co-joined twin.
My dad was a conjoined twin.
We used to call his brother my uncle on my father’s side.
They did get surgically separated though.
Now he’s my uncle once removed.

I just found out that my girlfriend has a twin sister.
– I saw her on Tinder.

A woman has identical twins, and gives them up for adoption.
– One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

Carrie and Cari
– A Korean, Ohn Min-Jin, marries an American. They have identical twins and choosing to double down on similarities, they name them “Cari” and “Carrie”. The sisters, as they age, are inseparable. As best friends, they even take vacations together.

On one trip, while at the airport, Cari watches in horror as a trapped bird flies into a glass wall, and drops to the ground dead. As an extreme animal lover, she swiftly wraps the body in her jacket and stuffs it into her suitcase. She plans to give it a proper burial after her flight.

As they are preparing to board the plane, an airport worker notices a foul smell emanating from the Cari’s suitcase. She’s about to stop Cari from taking it on the plane, but Carrie intervenes and with tears, explains the bird’s death and how Cari absolutely has to provide it a proper burial. The worker listens sympathetically and finally responds:

“Carry on, Carrie Ohn. Carry on Cari Ohn’s carry on carrion.”

The twin towers remind me of genders
– There used to be two of them and people get offended when you talk about them

Identical Twins
A teenage girl gave birth to identical twin boys. As she realized she was not ready to take care of young children, let alone 2 boys, she made the difficult decision to give them up for adoption.

The boys were adopted immediately. One of them was adopted by a lovely Egyptian family who decided to name him Amal. The other boy was adopted by a wonderful Mexican couple who called him Juan.

Several years later, the young woman was sitting up one night, thinking of her sons. She wondered what became of them. Were they healthy? Were they handsome? She decided to reach out to the adoption agency to see if she could somehow get some information on her sons.

A few weeks later, the adoption agency invited her to come down to their office. They had received pictures of Juan from the family in Mexico.

As she flipped through the pictures of her lovely Juan, she felt relieved to see he had grown into a healthy and strong young man. Still… she wondered about her other son, Amal.

“I wish I had pictures of my other boy”, said the young lady.
The agent from the adoption agency replied: “Once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal”.