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Turtle Jokes 🐢 in 2025

What berry are the turtles allergic to?
– Strawberry

What do you call a turtle chef?
-A slow cooker

John: “What was the snapping turtle doing on the highway?”
Bob: “I don’t know.”
-John: “About one kilometer per hour.”

A turtle walked in a restaurant but the owner grabbed it and threw it out.
-It came back 5 months later and yelled: get your hands off me!

What does a turtle need to ride a bike?
– A shell-met.

Where did the turtles first encounter the Evil Leatherhead?
– In the alley-gator.

A snail goes to the police station to report a robbery.
– He was robbed in broad daylight by two turtles. The investigator says,”start from the beginning and tell me what happened”, and the snail says,”I don’t know, everything happened so fast.”

What do turtles do best?
-Slow dances.

What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
-They have a shell-ebration.

Timmy the Turtle climbed up the tree and jumped off the branch. He waved his arms and legs are hard as he could, but Timmy hit the deck and began to bleed.
-He then climbed the tree again. Mommy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, “Honey, I think it’s time we told Timmy that he’s adopted.”

The ninja turtles and master splinter were found dead in their lair…
-The police ruled the deaths as sewer-cides.

I went into a bookstore to ask if they had any books about turtles.
-The cashier asked, “Hardback?”
I said, “Yeah, and little heads!”

I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles
– She said ‘hardback?’

So I replied, ‘yeah, with 4 legs and little heads’

What’s green and goes click, click, click?
-A ballpoint turtle.

What did the turtle say to the taco?
-Is that my shell or yours?

What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
-A turtle disaster.

The other night I tried to kill a vampire with a really big pointy stick, but my aim was terrible.
-It was a giant missed stake.

Why did Leonardo put his head in a piano?
-Because he wanted to play by ear.

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