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Tuesday jokes in 2024

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
– One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

I was at the gym yesterday, and I asked the Personal Trainer if they could teach me how to do the splits. ‘How flexible are you?’ they asked…
…I said ‘well, I can do any day apart from Tuesdays and Fridays’.

What’s the opposite of irony?
– Wrinkly.

What do a Tuesday morning and a stress ball have in common?
– They both are less busy than a Monday morning.

I only drink on days beginning with “T”
– Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow

I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting, “Why did the chicken cross the road!?” It was a running joke.

Why would you call Tuesday 22nd in February 2022?
– A Two’s day full of 22/2/22.

After every tuesday,
– Even the calender goes W T F

What’s the worst thing about Fridays?
– Realizing it’s only Tuesday.

What did the weeks say to the boy when he was really worried about Tuesday?
– “Don’t worry, Friday is on its way”.

With the election coming up Tuesday, Exit polls show Donald Trump having a 300 point lead in one state…
– Dementia.

I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

Why did the employee worry about his Friday being ruined?
– Because it was still Tuesday morning.

A fact of life:
– After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF…

Where does the General keep his armies?
– In his sleevies.

Why didn’t ‘Get up and Go’ arrive at the party on a Tuesday?
– Because he ‘Got up and Went’ somewhere else.

Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicle who resigned on Tuesday?
– He tried to resign on Monday, but found he’d been standing in the wrong line.

Happy Fat Tuesday…
– Or as your mother calls it, just another day.

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