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Tuesday jokes in 2024

At San Francisco’s airport last Tuesday, customs officials confiscated 20 giant centipedes.
They said, “There’s just not enough leg room in the airplane”.

I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.
I wonder how many people are in that field.

How do tacos share stories about their scary experiences up until Tuesday?
…and then came the savior, Tuesday!

What did the executioner say on a Tuesday morning?
– It’s time to beheaded to work.

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.

How do you keep the dreams alive on Tuesdays?
– By hitting the snooze button.

“Weird Al” Yankovic on Tuesday rejected fans’ requests for a “My Corona” parody about the deadly coronavirus.
– That would have gone viral.

Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

What is the best Tuesday motivation?
– Thinking that there is a taco, out there in the universe thinking of you too!

I checked my bank account and I found out that I have enough money to spend for the rest of my life.
– Rent? Food? Bills. My account got them covered for the rest of my life. As long as I die on Tuesday.

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills?
– Bernadette.

What do you do when Tuesday is standing outside your bathroom door?
– You let it sink in.

Why didn’t the teacher read Tuesday morning news?
– Because she didn’t want additional Tuesday mournings.

So its pancake Tuesday today
– That surely crepe’d up on us

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, “I need you to help me get to the other side!” The other guy replies, “You’re on the other side!”

How can people like Tuesday?
– By thinking that it is the farthest from the coming Monday.

Bought a toilet brush on Tuesday.
– Decide to go back to paper today.

I have a joke about time travel, but I’m not gonna share it. You guys didn’t like it.

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