Swimming jokes 🏊🤿 in 2025

What kind of stroke can you use on toast?
– BUTTER-fly!

“Water you doing this afternoon?”
– I asked my swimmer boyfriend.

One day, a fish was swimming so fast that he didn’t see the wall and smashed into it. “Dam”, he said.

Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my daughter’s first swimming lessons,
– She’s definitely not a witch

How do you know if a swimming pool is safe for diving?
– It deepends

A man calls over a waiter during his meal ‘There is a fly swimming in my soup!’
– ‘Look on the bright side Sir’ replied the waiter ‘If the portions weren’t so generous he’d be wading’

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. “You’re going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket” But, officer, I didn’t catch these — they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they’re done they jump back into the bucket.
“Oh really? This I’ve got to see. If you can prove it, I’ll let you go.”r>
The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.
Game warden: So where are the fish?
Fisherman: What fish?

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife A Little Girl Picks Up The Phone. “Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?” “I can’t, she’s upstairs with Uncle Steve.””But you don’t have an Uncle Steve.” “Yes I do. He’s upstairs with mommy in the bedroom.”
Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, “Okay honey, this is what I want you to do. Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway.”

3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again.

“Daddy, I did what you said and mommy and Uncle Steve started yelling and running around the room. Uncle Steve jumped out of the bedroom window into the front yard and I think he broke his leg!”

“Mommy jumped out of the other window into the backyard. I think she was going for the swimming pool but she forgot you drained the pool last weekend to clean it, and I think she’s hurt really bad!”

The man pauses for a moment and says, “Swimming pool? Is this 328-7124?”

Why does the Olympics swimming have lifeguards?
– In case one of the swimmers has a stroke.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer “What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?” The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said “There is a 99.97% chance we’ll make it across that bridge safely.

The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking “Forget that, I’m swimming!”

What word looks the same backward and upside down?
– Swims

Elephants are always ready to swim since they always have their trunks on.

Chicken only swim in a cluck-wise direction.

A lobster trapper
– In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking Up the wharf carrying two at-least-three-pound live lobsters, one in each hand.

It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: “Well me Laddie I got you this time – with two live lobsters three weeks after the season Closed!”

The Newfie says, “No – My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended.”

The Fisheries Officer says, ” Trained like how?”

“Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!”

“Likely story”, the Fisheries Officer says! “Lets take them on down the wharf and see if it’s true.”

So, the Newfie goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.

The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, “How about whistling?”

The Newfie says ” What For?”

The Fisheries Officer says, ” To call in the Lobsters”

The Newfie says, ” What Lobsters?”

There are 3 boys, named Stupid, Nothing, and Nobody. The boys go down to the river, and Nobody falls in the water, he cant swim, so Nothing tells Stupid to call for help. Stupid calls 911 and says…
– “Hello, I’m Stupid, I’m calling for Nothing, Nobody fell in the water.”

A shark can swim faster than I can…
– But I can definitely run faster than a shark.
So really, in a triathlon, it would come down to who is the better cyclist

Three men entered a swimming race for people with disabilities. One of the three men had no arms, one had no legs, and the third was just a head with no body.
The three men got onto the starting blocks. The whistle blew, and they all jumped into the water. The armless man and the legless man started to swim to the other end of the pool, but the head with no body sank to the bottom.
It was a very close race, but the armless man won. But when he and his legless competitor looked behind them, they saw bubbles coming from the starting end.

They swam back to the starting end to rescue the head. As soon as the head had caught his breath, he said, “Thank goodness you saved me! All my life I’ve learned to swim using my ears, then the moment I’m finally on the starting block of a race, some idiot puts a bathing cap on me!”

Swimming Prohibited
– A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn’t see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

“You could have told me that before I undressed!” she scolded him. He replied, “Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn’t.”