Swimming jokes 🏊🤿 in 2025

What did the ocean say to the beach?
– Nothing. It just waved.

My swim instructor told me to do pool-ups regularly.

Sometimes swimming is hard work and sometimes it is easy. It deep-ends.

Patrick was having a vacation in Australia
and couldn’t seem to make it with any of the girls….So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
Mate, it’s obvious,’ says the lifeguard, you’re wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style.
Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos – About two sizes
too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside ’em.
I’m tellin’ ya mate…you’ll have all the babes ya want!’
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!
So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him,
‘What’s wrong now?’
‘JEEZUS CHRIST!’ said the lifeguard, ‘Maaaaate. The potato goes in front!’

What did the fish say after swimming into a cement wall?
– Damn.

Security Guard : “I’m sorry ma’am.But due to covid regulations, swimming in the hotel pool is prohibited”
Woman : ” You could have warned me before I removed the clothes”
Security guard :” Well, there is no prohibition about that”.

Did hear about the math teacher who took off all her clothes and went swimming in a lake?
– She came out with an algae-bra.

Where do the X-men go to swim?
– The dead-pool.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge
Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.
– How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? – he asks
– 99.97% – the engineer replies confidently
The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around:
– Guess I’m swimming then…

Why did the teacher jump into the water?
– She wanted to test it!

I never go to a swimmers’ party because they always have pool noodles.

Gardeners are good swimmers
– because they have great seed times.

Why do sharks only swim in salt water?…
…Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

The Caller
“Hello?” the child says on the phone. “Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?” “No, Daddy,” says the litter girl. “She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.” “Oh, yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.” Dad takes a deep breath. “Okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay, Daddy, just a minute,” says the little girl. A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy.” “What happened, honey?” he asks. “Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all.” “Oh, my God! What about your Uncle Paul?” asks Dad in a panic. “He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out all the water last week to clean the pool. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

There’s a long pause on the phone. Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?”

My friend really wanted a swimming pool
He’s asking us for donations to help achieve his dream.
So I gave him a bottle of water.

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff’s hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.
The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, “Never mind boys, I’ll get it.”
Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,
walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope’s entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
But that afternoon, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC reported:
“BIDEN CAN’T SWIM”

How do you teach an Italian to swim?
– Ask them to explain something to you then jump into the ocean with them.

My doctor told me to dive deep into some vitamin sea to improve my health.