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Statistics jokes 📊 in 2025

According to statistics one in three people live next to a paedophile
– Thankfully I just live next to some really hot 11 year olds

I came up with a really great statistics joke, but no statistician wanted to hear it.
– So I asked them why and they told me, statistically speaking, most of what you say is boring.

In statistics, a larger sample size results in more reliable averages.
– The Ns justify the means.

Indian men are statistically the least likely to get laid
– No wonder even their parents call them beta.

Statistics say that 1/3 of people cheat in their relationships
Which got me thinking,
Is it my wife or is it my girlfriend who is cheating?

I didn’t think I’d ever be turned on by population statistics…
– But then I came to my census

Statistics show more people are killed by bees than snakes.
– Politicians just have better lawyers.

A statistician and his wife are going I vacation.
As they are packing, the statistician puts a bomb in his suit case.
“Good god, what’s that for?” His wife asks.
“Well, there’s low odds of one bomb being on a plane, what are the odds of there being two?”

Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters
Ten long miserable years

Don’t be a statistic
– Be an outlier.

A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.
– For support, rather than illumination.

TIL: 5/7 People make up statistics on the spot.
– There is a 50% chance this data lacks validity though.

I heard a statistic that there are more men named David in charge of companies than there are women.
– Well obviously. How many women do you know named David?

Statisticians give low paid workers an expected life of 68.7 years
– That’s mean

Statistics say that 2 out of 10 people don’t understand how percentages work.
– Unlike us, the other 90%.

I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others
that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.

Hmm…

Statistics say that 95% of the population is dumb
– I’m glad to be in the 10% that isn’t.

A statistician, a mathematician, and a biologist are standing outside a house.
They watch two people walk in. A couple hours later, they watch three people walk out.

The statistician considers the problem for a moment, then thinks to himself: “Oh, we must have miscounted.”

The biologist, naturally, goes through a similar moment of introspection before deciding, “Ah, they must have reproduced!”

Meanwhile, the mathematician arrived at the solution almost immediately: “If one person goes back into the house, it will be completely empty!”

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