Roof jokes in 2024

I used to be a roofer…
– Back when I was shingle.

My dog f8nally went out and got a job today.
He’s a roofer.

Typo, meant to say “finally” not f8nally.” Sorry.

A suicidal man is teetering on the edge of a roof…
Behind him, he hears a voice beg, “Please, sir, don’t do this.”

There is a young woman behind him, repairing an HVAC unit.

“Life may look bleak, but that’s part of the beauty of living. Look at me, I got pregnant at age 15, kicked out of my family home and had to live a hard life.”

She gestures to her coveralls, “I was able to get into a technical school, learned a trade and am now not just paying my own way, but I was even able to buy a brand new car.”

She steps forward and offers the man her hand, “I’ll be the first to admit, I couldn’t do it on my own. I was offered a helping hand.”

The man, shakes his head and says, “I really admire you, but I have less than a week to live. I want to go out on my own terms.”

The young woman frowns, stamps her foot, and points to the other side, “Ok, fine, but can you jump over there? You’re right above my brand new car.”

Did you hear about the French man who fell off his roof onto a pile of bread?
He survived, but was in a lot of pain.

(Le pain means bread in French)

A man is about to commit suicide my jumping of the roof of his house
(Yoda pops up for suicide rescue)

Yoda:- Jump..

(Man falls to his death)

Yoda:- you must not…

What’s the cheapest part of a house?
– The roof tiles, because they’re on the house.

if a dog was a contractor, what would his specialty be?
– roofing

What do you call a roof full of medicine?
– A drug attic!

Why did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
– He ate his soup before it was cool.

The husband finds his wife’s favorite cat passed away.
The cat is stucked in the drain on the roof and drowned.

When the wife gets home the husband and coldly tells her the truth. “Honey, your cat is dead!”

The wife is saddened by hearing it but she starts to nag her husband to be a bit more commiserating.

“Why you are so cruel? You could’ve said: Honey! Dusty climbed onto the roof and stucked in the drain, and when I found him, his soul went up the heaven!”

The husband nods. “I understand!”

After a few weeks the wife gets home again and she sees her husband standing at the door.

“Honey, I have to tell you something. Says the husband.

Your mother climbed onto the roof…”

What’s the difference between 9/11 & that summer I worked as a roofer?
– 9/11 was an inside job

What did the roofing professional say to the homeowner after the job was done?
– It’s on the house

Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins?
– Society

What do you call a child who fell off the roof?
– An ambulance.

Why are roofers always irritated.
– Because they have to deal with shingles all the time.

An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese are arguing where Adam and Eve were from.
The American says, “Adam and Eve must be American. Look at how much they love freedom – they have everything they could ever want in the Garden of Eden, yet they still pursue the one single thing that they’re forbidden from by God. To love absolute freedom so much, they must be American!”

The Frenchman says, “No, Adam and Eve must be French! They wander around the garden in nakedness full of love for each other, and even went against God to take the forbidden fruit all for their love of each other! To love so strongly and deeply, they must be French!”

Finally, the Vietnamese says, “No, no, Adam and Even must be Vietnamese! Look, they have no possessions – no roof above their heads, no clothes, even an apple is forbidden to them! To be so destitute and still believe they’re in Paradise, they must be Vietnamese!”

Three car-making friends met up together, to discuss their businesses.
Friend One says: “I had an idea, something original, a car with 360° wheel movement. Only three people bought it.”

Friend Two says: “I went for a similar approach, I made a car with adjustable suspension, and it actually sold a few thousand.”

Friend Three says: “Like you two, I tried something original, a car with doors that slide over the roof, and nobody bought it! So I took someone else’s blueprints and copied it, it sold millions!”

”Wow,” Friend Two says, ”People ask for something original, but they never actually buy it. What they *really* want is the same old thing.”

A police department hired me to repair their roof
I was above the law.