Roof jokes in 2024

How much does a roof cost?
– Nothing. It’s on the house!

Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn…
– Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn when it catches on fire. The only way down is to jump into the manure pile.

The first idiot says, “I’ll jump first and tell you how deep it is.” He jumps, and a few seconds later the second idiot hears, “it’s only ankle deep!”

The second idiot jumps and says, “What on earth? I’m up to my neck!”

And the first idiot says, “Well you jumped feet first.“

I’ve just fallen through the roof of a French bakery…
Now I’m in a world of pain.

I’d like to dedicate this joke to my father, who was a roofer…
…so…dad, if you’re up there…

What job is best suited for a dog?
​- Roofing.

What’s the loudest park of a dog house?
– The ROOF

Three vampires sit on a roof.
(sorry if I translate something wrong)
They talk and after a while the first says “I´m hungry” and flies away. Shortly after he comes back with blood all over him and says “see that barn over there? There lives an old man I took his blood.” Then the second vampire flies away he comes back after a while and says “you see that house? There lives the family of the man I took their blood.” Then after some minutes the last one flies away and comes back with blood all over him and says ” do you see the tree there? I flew against it”.

I’m a 50s roofer.
I did the job asbestos I could.

If you’re looking for a relationship, become a roofer.
– You’re bound to find hot shingles in your area

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
– oof.

A physicist sees a man standing on a rooftop
And shouts

“Don’t do it! You have so much Potential!”

A woman’s on vacation and calls home
She asks her husband, “How’s my cat doing?”

The husband says, “The cat’s dead.”

The woman’s upset and says, “Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t get her down.”

“Okay, I’m sorry,” says the husband, “I’ll remember that.”

The woman says, “Anyway, how’s my mother doing?”

The husband says, “Your mother’s on the roof and we can’t get her down.”

That roofer is so arrogant.
– He’s always looking down at me.

Why isn’t Sean Connery an unmarried roofer?
– He’s not a fan of the shingle life.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof!
A bachelor named Steve who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left, he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: “Your cat died!”

In a few hours, Steve was back home, having cut his trip short in grief and in anger at his friend. He told his friend, “Why didn’t you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent the message ’Your cat climbed up on the roof today,’ and the next day you could’ve written ’Your cat fell off the roof’ and let me down slowly that he died.”

After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days into his trip, he returns to his hotel and there’s a message waiting for him from his friend.

The message read, “Your mother climbed up on the roof today.”

A little moron and a big moron were shingling a steep roof when suddenly the scaffolding collapsed. They both slid down the roof and stopped at the very edge, and then one fell off. Which one?
– The big moron. The other one was a little more on.

A man was mending his roof.
– A man was mending his roof, when suddenly an elderly messy man showed up on his lawn, yelling to him “Sir, would you get down please”. The man, not wanting to have to climb down and up the ladder again, yelled back, “What’s the matter, sir?” The old man replied, “Just get down here first!” The man thought for a second, and being the polite man he is, climbed down the ladder and asked the old guy. The old guy replied, “Can you please spare me some money?” The man, after thinking for some moment, said, “Come with me.” He climbed up the ladder, with the old man following him. When both of them were already up on the roof, the man said to the old man, “No.”

I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day,
luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean.