Roof jokes in 2024

Did you hear Beyonce now owns an all female roofing company?
– It’s called “All The Shingle Ladies”.

A student was standing at the edge of the roof of his school and was about jump off and commit suicide.
– Suddenly from the school grounds his physics teacher yells to him, “Don’t jump, you’ve got lots of potential!”

A tree fell and destroyed a quarter of my roof yesterday.
oof

A woman sat on the roof of her house as the flood waters rose around her.
– A man in a small motor boat pulled up and said, “Come on! We’ve got to go!” She replied, “No thank you. I’m waiting on the Lord to save me.”

Not long after that, a helicopter hovered overhead and a rescue worker repelled down to try and save her. She said, “No thank you. I’m waiting on the Lord to save me.”

Eventually, the floodwaters rose above her home and she drowned. While standing at the Pearly Gates she saw the Lord and said to him “Oh Lord, why didn’t you save me?”

The Lord replied, “I sent you a boat, I sent you a helicopter, what in the hell do you want?!”

A roofer gets to choose how to get onto the roof. He can either use a scissor lift or a series of steps between two metal poles.
– He chose the ladder.

I wish I could better understand roofing
– But it just goes over my head

Apprehended
A mild-mannered man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration and flipping him a bird and shaking her fist as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!”

Three kittens are on a sloping roof…
Which one slides down the slowest?

The one with the highest μ

I used to be a roofer…
– Back when I was shingle.

My dog f8nally went out and got a job today.
He’s a roofer.

Typo, meant to say “finally” not f8nally.” Sorry.

A suicidal man is teetering on the edge of a roof…
Behind him, he hears a voice beg, “Please, sir, don’t do this.”

There is a young woman behind him, repairing an HVAC unit.

“Life may look bleak, but that’s part of the beauty of living. Look at me, I got pregnant at age 15, kicked out of my family home and had to live a hard life.”

She gestures to her coveralls, “I was able to get into a technical school, learned a trade and am now not just paying my own way, but I was even able to buy a brand new car.”

She steps forward and offers the man her hand, “I’ll be the first to admit, I couldn’t do it on my own. I was offered a helping hand.”

The man, shakes his head and says, “I really admire you, but I have less than a week to live. I want to go out on my own terms.”

The young woman frowns, stamps her foot, and points to the other side, “Ok, fine, but can you jump over there? You’re right above my brand new car.”

Did you hear about the French man who fell off his roof onto a pile of bread?
He survived, but was in a lot of pain.

(Le pain means bread in French)

A man is about to commit suicide my jumping of the roof of his house
(Yoda pops up for suicide rescue)

Yoda:- Jump..

(Man falls to his death)

Yoda:- you must not…

What’s the cheapest part of a house?
– The roof tiles, because they’re on the house.

if a dog was a contractor, what would his specialty be?
– roofing

What do you call a roof full of medicine?
– A drug attic!

Why did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
– He ate his soup before it was cool.

The husband finds his wife’s favorite cat passed away.
The cat is stucked in the drain on the roof and drowned.

When the wife gets home the husband and coldly tells her the truth. “Honey, your cat is dead!”

The wife is saddened by hearing it but she starts to nag her husband to be a bit more commiserating.

“Why you are so cruel? You could’ve said: Honey! Dusty climbed onto the roof and stucked in the drain, and when I found him, his soul went up the heaven!”

The husband nods. “I understand!”

After a few weeks the wife gets home again and she sees her husband standing at the door.

“Honey, I have to tell you something. Says the husband.

Your mother climbed onto the roof…”