Roof jokes in 2025

I didn’t trust my wife home alone with the roofers…
– So I hired an all gay roofing crew. I don’t know if it worked worked, she said they’ve been outside banging all day.

In last night’s high winds I lost 25%of my roof….
– oof…

Three construction workers are sitting down for lunch on the roof…..
The first construction workers says, “I swear to god if my wife packed me another bologna sandwich I’m going to kill my self by jumping off this roof.” He opens his lunch and there is a bologna sandwich. He goes and jumps off the roof.

The second construction worker says, “If my wife packed me cold pizza for lunch again I’m going to kill my self by jumping off this roof.” He opens his lunch and there’s cold pizza. He goes and jumps off the roof.

The third construction worker says to himself, “If my wife packed me a fish sandwich I too will jump off this roof and kill my self.” He opens his lunch and there is a fish sandwich. He follows suite and jumps off and kills himself.

Later on the three wives meet at the cemetery after the funerals.

The wife of the first construction worker says while crying, “If only I would have packed him a turkey sandwich he would still be here with me.”

The wife of the second construction worker is also crying. “If only I would have packed him meatloaf instead he would still be here.”

The third wife is just standing there looking frustrated with a more confused look. The other two look at her and ask her why she isn’t crying and wishing she packed his lunch a different way.

“Don’t look at me the dumbass packs his own lunch.”

The roof was caving in by the minute. I spent my few seconds deciding what to do…
– And then it hit me.

I’m a roofer and earlier today my coworker asked me how I’m gonna get down from the roof of the house. I said I could jump or I could climb down.
– I chose the latter

What kind of home repairs are dogs good at?
– Roofing.

I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a “paranoid little weirdo”
– In morse code

They say talk is cheap.
– But my phone bill is through the roof.

Ever since I was a small child, I always wanted to be a roofer.
– You could say I was shingle minded.

When a roofer works pro bono…
– It’s on the house

Sir, the numbers are in and I’m pleased to report that chimney sales are through the roof.
– But our kindling branch is up in smoke

A rooster lays an egg on top of a roof. Which way does it roll?
– Roosters don’t lay eggs.

Now You Tell Me
A preacher in New Orleans is known to be a good, holy man of God.

One day, while the preacher is at home, a hurricane whips up, with torrential rains and rising waters. His neighbor comes by, saying he’s leaving, and would the preacher like ride? The preacher says, “No, the Lord will save me.” The neighbor says fine, and drives away.

A few hours later, the waters are rising. The preacher has to retreat to the second floor window. A fireman comes by in a boat, and asks the preacher if he would like to be taken to dry land. The preacher says, “No, the Lord will save me.” The fireman pulls away, surprised.

Hours later, the waters have risen further, and the preacher has been forced onto his roof. A helicopter flies over, and through a loudspeaker yells for the preacher to grab the rope, they will rescue him. The preacher says, “No, the Lord will save me.” Amazed, the helicopter leaves.

A few hours later, the waters overwhelm the house. The preacher drowns, and comes before the Lord. The preacher asks, “Why, Lord, after my professed faith in you, didn’t you save me?”

The Lord replies, “What do you mean? I sent you a car, a boat, and a helicopter. Whadda’ you want?”

I write this as a parable to anti-vaxxers.

I switched out my bed for a trampoline.
– My wife hit the roof when she found out.

A joke my grandpa just shared: so I asked the guy who roofed my house, Hows the roofing business?
– Guy replied, we’re on top of it

I just got back from the funeral of my 82 year old neighbour who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna.
– The funeral was sad, but the reception was excellent.

I think I identify as a church roof.
I’m beginning to tran-spire

Help! I’m stuck on Rick Astley’s roof
– He took away the ladder and said he is never gonna let me down.