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Rodney Dangerfield Jokes in 2025

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I tell ya with girls, I don’t get no respect. I had a date with a girl, I waited two hours at the corner. A girl showed up. I said “Are you Louise?” She said, “Are you Rodney?” I said, “Yeah.” She said, “I’m not Louise.”

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I went to see my doctor… Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah…I told him once, “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me? He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

My doctor told me he’ll have me on my feet in two weeks. He was right. I got his bill; I had to sell my car.

A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

I tell ya, when I was a kid I got no respect. My parents got divorced. They had a custody fight over me. No one showed up.

“My uncle’s dying wish: He wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”

One year they wanted to make me poster boy… for birth control.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

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