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Rodney Dangerfield Jokes in 2025

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I’m so ugly, one time I stuck my head out the window. The police charged me for mooning.

I tell ya my old man was strict. He said, “No drinking in the house.” I had two brothers who died of thirst.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My wife, she loves vacations. Last night she told me, “I wanna go someplace I’ve never been before.” I took her to a men’s room.

If it weren’t for pick-pocketers, I’d have no sex life at all.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek – she bent over!

I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness…AFTER I was born.

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous. Everyone hasn’t met me yet.”

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

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