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Rodney Dangerfield Jokes in 2024

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

*(Alka-Seltzer is an antacid and pain reliever.)

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I know I’m ugly. My dog found out we look alike. He killed himself.

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!”

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him, “If you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion.” He said, “All right. You’re ugly too!”

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

What a childhood I had. When I took my first step, my old man tripped me.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I’m so ugly, one time I stuck my head out the window. The police charged me for mooning.

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