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Rodney Dangerfield Jokes in 2025

“My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.”

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, “On your mark…”

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.

“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.”

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint–a Saint Bernard!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I know I’m ugly. I tell my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.I know I’m ugly. I tell my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

“For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.”

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.

No respect, I tell ya I don’t get no respect! I went to the hardware store to buy some rat poison. The cashier says ‘Do you want a bag, or are you gonna eat it here?’

“I went to see my doctor. ‘Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror… I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?’ He said, ‘I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.’”

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