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Pregnancy jokes 🤰👶 in 2025

Why did the run-on sentence take a pregnancy test?
– Its period came too late.

People are giving birth underwater now.
– They say it’s less traumatic for the baby because it’s in the water, but it’s certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

“In the pregnancy process, I have come to realize how much of the burden is on the female partner. She’s got a construction zone going on in her belly.”

Last night I accidentally told my son he was an unplanned pregnancy.
– Mistakes were made.

How long does the average woman be in labor?
– Whatever she says, divided by two.

They’ve invented a curved pregnancy test, so you don’t pee on your hand.
– Listen, if you aren’t ready to have pee on your hand, then you’re definitely not ready to be a mom.

For the nine months I’m pregnant with a boy, shouldn’t I be paid 1.78 times my salary?

“My doctor the other day was like, ‘I think maybe pull back a little bit.’ I was like, ‘Really? I thought I was doing great. I still fit into those jeans — I mean, they hurt when I wear them, but I’m still in them!’”

What is considered the best time to get an epidural?
– Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Never talk to a girl about periods, pregnancy or ‘women problems’.
– She’ll ovary-act!

Woman: “Should I have a baby after 35?”
OB/GYN: “No, 35 children is enough.”

How long is the average woman in labor?
– Whatever she says, divided by two.

Yes, please whine to me about how tired you are today.
Are you growing a human? I didn’t think so. Now shut the hell up.

Honey, I’m pregnant!
Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad!

Me, on the phone: Ok thank you. Bye. Wife: What did the fertility doctor say?
– Me: Oh, nothing impotent.

You don’t have to study for a pregnancy test, but I’ve heard there’s a lot of cramming that goes on before the exam.

How does one sanitize nipples?
– Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

“Stop saying, ‘We’re pregnant.’ You’re not pregnant! Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady-hole? No. Are you crying alone in your car, listening to a stupid Bette Midler song? No. When you wake up and throw up, is it because you’re nurturing a human life? No. It’s because you had too many shots of tequila.”

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