Painting jokes 🎨🖼️🖌️ in 2025

A rich snail goes into a car shop…
– He picks out a super fast car and says, “I want a big S painted on the left side, the right side, the front, the back. I want big Ss everywhere! The car painter asks why, and the snail says, “Because when I pass people on the road I want them to point at me and say, ‘Wow! Look at that escargot!'”

She left the artist.
– He was more about louvre than love.

I was once in an art gallery once looking at a painting of Margaret Thatcher in a bikini …
– a security guard wandered over to me and said “sir you can’t wear that in here”

Why did the snail paint a big S on the side of his vehicle?
– So when he drove by people would say “look at that S car go!”

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve
– The Englishman admires it and says “Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English.”

The Frenchmen laughs and replies “They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French.”

The Russian slowly shakes his head “No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat, and they are told this is paradise. My friends, they are definitely Russian.”

Why was the artist convicted of false murder charges?
– Guess he was framed!

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
– So they can hide in cherry trees.

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.
– “Why is everything here so bad?” asks Putin, “What can I do to make Russia great again?”

Stalin replies, “Execute half the government and paint the Kremlin blue.”

“Why blue?” asks the inquisitive Putin.

“I knew you wouldn’t object to the first part” says Stalin.

Artist: “How are my paintings selling?”
– Gallery owner: “When I explained how the value would greatly increase after your death, very well! One person bought 15 paintings!”

Artist: “Oh! That’s amazing! Who bought them?”

Gallery owner: “Your doctor.”

Hitler wanted to be a painter but failed. Ended up almost killing entire ethnicities of people.
– He never did learn to mix the colours.

What did Salvador Dali have for breakfast?
– A nice bowl of surreal!

How many kittens does it take to paint a house?
– That depends on how much splash damage you get when you launch them at the wall.

What’s the difference between Christ and an oil painting?
– It only takes one nail to hang a painting.

This joke nearly got me kicked out of the choir.

Needed a new paint job
– My house needed a new paint job on the outside so I called up a painter and he came and a did a couple hours of work.

Knowing how expensive painters usually are I begrudgingly asked

“So how much is this gonna bankrupt me”

He replied

“Nothing it’s on the house!”

There was an Italian artist who really loved spices and always went to the market for chili.
– He was called Boughtachilli.

Charlie’s wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet
– Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”
The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed.”

Someone has spray painted a swastika on Donald Trump’s star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame.
– The police are still trying to figure out if it was a supporter or an opponent.

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher …
– … I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.