Painting jokes 🎨🖼️🖌️ in 2025

My friend once called a few house painters to his house for some work. He wanted them to paint his porch.
– After a few hours, the house painters came back for the payment as their work was complete. Before leaving they told my friend that they had enjoyed painting his car, but it is not really a Porsche.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.
– The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700…£200 for materials, £350 for my men and £150 profit for me”.

Shortly afterwards, the Scotsman approaches the man with his quote, “I’ll do it for £2,700, take it or leave it”.

The official is incredulous, “£2,700?! You haven’t even measured the bloody fence! How can you charge such an extraordinary fee?!”

“Well sonny, there’s £1,000 profit for me, £1,000 for you, and we get the Irishman to paint the bloody fence”

I enjoy painting wildlife.
– But the rabbits leave hair on my paint rollers.

How do you know a painting’s innocent?
– Cause it was framed.

What do you call a painter with a brown finger?
– Picasso

What do you call a pig that paints?
– Pig-casso.

If I could describe all the horrible things that a lifetime of inhaling paint has done to me in one word, …
– … that word would be brain damage.

A bucket of paint almost fell on my head
– I nearly dyed

Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn…
– Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn when it catches on fire. The only way down is to jump into the manure pile.

The first idiot says, “I’ll jump first and tell you how deep it is.” He jumps, and a few seconds later the second idiot hears, “it’s only ankle deep!”

The second idiot jumps and says, “What on earth? I’m up to my neck!”

And the first idiot says, “Well you jumped feet first.“

An eccentric artist used to paint on his pimples
– . Is zit art?

a Frenchman sneezed paint onto a canvas
– He showed it to a friend, who was astounded.

“Who’s responsible for this remarkable piece of work?”

The Frenchman smiled and said, “Mon nez”

Eminem was good at painting. But after few classes, he was thrown out because of violent conduct.
– He was doing Marshall Arts

What did the painter do when he was angry?
– He made a scene.

Did you hear about the artist who just died?
– Guess he had too many strokes.

What’s red and smells like blue paint?
– Red paint.

Termite Food
– So I work in a retail store where we routinely have shipments of freight arriving on wooden skids. A truck driver will come by every week or so, and pick up the empty skids so they can be reused.

Out of curiosity, I asked the driver if he ever worried about termites getting into his trailer. He said the brand of skids we use are chemically treated, so termites won’t eat them. You can tell the difference because instead of being regular wood, they’re usually painted blue.

So I said, “In other words, they can’t palate pallets in that pallette?”

I was once in an art gallery once looking at a painting of Margaret Thatcher in a bikini …
– a security guard wandered over to me and said “sir you can’t wear that in here”

I hired an ex-pilot to do some painting in my house
– Turns out he’s pretty good at it! He did a great job of the the landing.