Painting jokes 🎨🖼️🖌️ in 2025

Needed a new paint job
– My house needed a new paint job on the outside so I called up a painter and he came and a did a couple hours of work.

Knowing how expensive painters usually are I begrudgingly asked

“So how much is this gonna bankrupt me”

He replied

“Nothing it’s on the house!”

There was an Italian artist who really loved spices and always went to the market for chili.
– He was called Boughtachilli.

Charlie’s wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet
– Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”
The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed.”

Someone has spray painted a swastika on Donald Trump’s star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame.
– The police are still trying to figure out if it was a supporter or an opponent.

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher …
– … I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

Did you hear about the artist who took things too far?
– Guess he didn’t know where to draw the line.

My friend once called a few house painters to his house for some work. He wanted them to paint his porch.
– After a few hours, the house painters came back for the payment as their work was complete. Before leaving they told my friend that they had enjoyed painting his car, but it is not really a Porsche.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.
– The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700…£200 for materials, £350 for my men and £150 profit for me”.

Shortly afterwards, the Scotsman approaches the man with his quote, “I’ll do it for £2,700, take it or leave it”.

The official is incredulous, “£2,700?! You haven’t even measured the bloody fence! How can you charge such an extraordinary fee?!”

“Well sonny, there’s £1,000 profit for me, £1,000 for you, and we get the Irishman to paint the bloody fence”

I enjoy painting wildlife.
– But the rabbits leave hair on my paint rollers.

Made this up while laying in bed and yes it’s bad. I apologize in advance
– A 35 year old house painter walks out of his home on a snowy winter day but quickly scurries back inside and says with a grin on his face “It likes like I’M the one that needs another coat today”

What do you call a pig that paints?
– Pig-casso.

If I could describe all the horrible things that a lifetime of inhaling paint has done to me in one word, …
– … that word would be brain damage.

A bucket of paint almost fell on my head
– I nearly dyed

How do you know a painting’s innocent?
– Cause it was framed.

What do you call a painter with a brown finger?
– Picasso

An eccentric artist used to paint on his pimples
– . Is zit art?

a Frenchman sneezed paint onto a canvas
– He showed it to a friend, who was astounded.

“Who’s responsible for this remarkable piece of work?”

The Frenchman smiled and said, “Mon nez”

Eminem was good at painting. But after few classes, he was thrown out because of violent conduct.
– He was doing Marshall Arts