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One liner jokes in 2024

Onions make me sad.
A lot of people don’t realize that.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge.
-We’ll see about that.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather..
-Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day.
-At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.

am originally from Indiana.
-I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana — mafia.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
-She seemed surprised.

When life gives you melons,
-you might be dyslexic.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor.
-I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die,
-I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
– It gets toad away.

The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family.
-The problem is no one runs in your family.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity
-and he threw the teacher out of the window.

Thirty ways to shape up for summer.
-Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry.

I looked up my family tree
-and found three dogs using it.

I’m on a whiskey diet…
-I’ve lost three days already.

I don’t have a girlfriend,
-but I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59
-because I like that one-to-one time.

The problem with kleptomaniacs
– is that they always take things literally.

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