Ole and Lena jokes in 2025

On Lena’s birthday, Ole decided to wash clothes for once to make her happy. Soon after entering the laundry room, he
yelled, “Lena, what setting do I use on da vashing machine?”
“It depends,” Lena replied. “What does it say on one of your shirts?”
“University of Oslo.” shouted Ole.

One particular Sunday Ole was lying back in the hammock and, having just returned from church with Lena, he was feeling a
little religious.
“God,” said Ole, “Ven you made Lena, vy did you make her so nice and round and so pleasant ta hold?”
Suddenly a voice from above said, “So you would love her, Ole.”
“Vell then vy, oh vy,” asked Ole, “vy Lord did you make her so stupid?”
“So she would love YOU,” said the voice

Ole and Sven are standing on a bridge fishing in the river below. Suddenly Sven sees in the distance a funeral procession
coming. Sven reels in turns, toward the road, places his fish pole over his shoulder and stands at attention until it passes by
Ole says “Vy Sven dat vas such a respectful ting to do. I am really proud of you for doing it.”
Sven says “Sure Ole, but do ya know I vas married to dat voman for tirty-five years”.

One day Ole came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in sexy lingerie.
“Ole, you can tie me up and do anything you want!”, Lena declared.
So Ole tied her up and went golfing.

During a bank robbery, the thief’s mask slipped off. He fixed it and asked a hostage.
“Did you see my face?” The hostage had, so the thief shot him. He asked the next hostage, same result.
The thief scowls at Ole and asks him if he saw his face.
“No, but I tink my wife got a good look at you.”

Ole goes to the library to get a book. A few days later, he comes back and says to librarian at the counter, “Dis book was
very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it.”
The librarian says to her coworkers, “Hey I found the person who took our phone book!”

Ole and Sven die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas,
mittens and bomber hats warming themselves around a fire. The devil asks them “What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough
for you?
Ole and Sven reply, “Vell ya know, ve’re from Nordern Minnesoda, the land of ice and snow and cold. Ve’re yust happy for
da chance ta varm up a bit, don ‘t ya know.”
The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and
there they are, still dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The devil asks them again, “It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you
two feel that?”
Again Ole and Sven reply, “Vell, like ve told you yesterday, ve’re from Nordern Minnesoda, the land of ice and snow and
cold. Ve’re yust happy for da chance ta warm up a bit ya know.”
This gets the devil a bit steamed and he decides to show these two just who is in charge down here. He cranks up the heat
as high as it can go. The rest of the people are screaming and miserable. He stops by to see if his two Minnesota tenants are
the same, and is astonished to find them in light jackets and baseball caps, grilling walleye and drinking beer. The devil says
“Everyone down here is in absolute misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves! Why?”
Ole and Sven reply, “Vell, ya know ve don’t get too many varm days up dere in International Falls, ve just got to have a fish
fry vhen da vedder is dis nice.”

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely, he grumbled: “Vell, der gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight
insurance!

Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to
him vit a vide smile.
“Ole, vere did ya get dat car?” Sven asked.
“Lena gave it to me”.
“She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?”.
“Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on county road 6, in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road
into da woods. She parked, got out of da car, trew off alla her clothes and said, “Ole take vatever you vant.”…So I took da
car”
“Ole, you’re a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya.”

Sven and Ole were talking one afternoon when Sven tells Ole, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only dis
year I’m a gonna do it a little different. Da last few years, I took your advice about where to go.”
“T’ree years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Lena got pregnant.”
“Den two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Lena got pregnant again.”
“Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Lena didn’t get pregnant again.”
Ole asked Sven, “So, what ya gonna do dis year dat’s so different?”
And Sven says, “Dis year I’m taking Lena with me!”

Lena tells Ole, “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?”
Ole seems puzzled, “How can I do dat? I don’t even know her.”

Ole had double-bypass heart surgery and was in recovery. His doctor came in and explained, “Ole, in six weeks you’ll be
able to walk up three flights of stairs, lift 20 pounds, and you can resume your normal sexual activity.”
Ole responded, If I’d have known about dat sex ting, I would’ve had da surgery a long time ago!’

Ole, Lena, and little Ole went to the big City for the first time. They were walking down the street and looking in the
windows of the big buildings. Little Ole spotted something that caught his eye and ran into a building. Big Ole and Lena
followed him.
There they all stood in front of a shiny metal door that was cut into a wall of black marble. A chubby, elderly, gray haired
lady walked up and pushed a button on the wall next to the door. The door opened and she walked into the little room
behind the shiny door. The door closed and the numbers above the door counted up and then down again. The shiny doors
opened and a beautiful, curvacious young lady walked out.
Little Ole said, “What kind of machine is dat, Pa?”
Big Ole replied, “I don’t know little Ole, but push dat button and shove your Ma in der.”

Ole and Lena were married for 40 years. When they first got married Ole said, “I am putting a box under da bed. You must
promise never ta look in it.” In all their 40 years of marriage Lena never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th
anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and
$1934.87 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner.
After dinner Lena could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry Ole. For all dese years I
kept my promise and never looked inta da box under our bed. However today da temptation vas too much and I gave in.
But now I need ta know vy do you keep da cans in da box?”
Ole thought for a while and said, “I guess after all dese years you deserve ta know da truth. Whenever I vas unfaithful ta
you I put an empty beer can in da box under da bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Lena was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all dose years away from home on the
road, temptation does happen and I guess dat 3 times is not dat bad considering da years.” They hugged and made their
peace.
A little while later Lena asked, “Ole, vy do you have all dat money in da box?” Ole answered, “Oh, whenever da box filled
with empties, I cashed em in.”

Lena comes into the kitchen to talk to her husband and says, “Ole just look at me. My legs are heavy, my thighs are getting
big, and my boobs are sagging. I could really use a complement right about now.”
Ole replies, “Lena your eyesight is a good as ever!”

Sven, Lars and Ole are crossing an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy. The fairy says that they
can be granted a transformation if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish. Sven immediately jumps off the bridge
and yells “Eagle!” He turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away. Lars jumps off the bridge and yells out “Salmon!” He
turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream to spawn.
Ole is at this point so excited that he jumps off the bridge without thinking of his wish. He panics. “Crap!”

A Norwegian, a Swede and a Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a stinky pig barn. They all went in at the
same time. After only two minutes the Dane came running out. Five minutes later the Swede stumbled out the door. After
ten minutes, all the pigs ran out.

This absolutely incenses the devil. He can barely see straight. He finally comes up with a plan to set these two straight.
These two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives, so he decides to turn off all the heat. The next
morning, the temperature in hell is below zero, icicles are hanging off the ceilings, people are shivering so much that they
don’t even have the strength to complain. The devil smiles and heads over to check on Ole & Sven.
He arrives and finds the two back in their parkas, hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, and giving
each other hi-fives. The devil is now quite dumbfounded, “I just don’t understand, I turn up the heat and you’re happy. Now
I turn off the heat, it’s freezing and you’re still happy. Why?”
Ole and Sven stop their celebration and look at the devil with a surprised look and say “Vell, don’t ya know, hell froze over…
dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl!”