Ole and Lena jokes in 2025

Lars asks Ole, “Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?”
“I’m all set”, replies Ole. I have da address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
“What da heck is a GPS override.” Asks Sven.
Ole says, “Dat woud be Lena.”

Lena is in labor at the hospital ya know. The doctor tells them that he invented a pill that transfers some of the labor pain to
the father. To Ole’s dismay, Lena takes the pill.
Lena delivers a boy and Ole is happy it didn’t hurt too much.
Soon after they return home with their baby only to discover the mailman dead on their lawn.

Ole walks into a shoe store and tries on a new pair of shoes.
“How do they feel?” asks the salesclerk.
“Well, they feel a bit tight,” replies Ole.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and Ole’s feet.
“Try pulling the tongue out,” offers the clerk.
“Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” Ole replies.

Lena was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket near Boyceville, WI. When she went before the judge he asked her,
“What did you steal?’ Lena replied, “A can of peaches.”
The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied that there were six. The judge said, ‘Then I will give
you six days in jail.”
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, Ole stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, “What is it?”
Ole said, “She also stole a can of peas.”

Ole said to his wife, “Lena, what would you do if I won da lottery?”
Lena thought for a minute and replied, “I’m sorry Ole, I would take half and leave you.”
Ole looked back at his lottery ticket, “Great, I won twelve dollars. Here’s six. I’ll miss you.”

Ole and Lena are on the patio barbequing when Ole says to her, “Lena your butt is getting pretty big. Ya, it’s even bigger
than da BBQ grill!”
Lena is not amused.
Later that night in bed, Ole asks Lena, “Say, do ya want to, vell ya know?” Lena turns away and grunts.
“What’s wrong?” asks Ole.
Lena answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire-up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

Lena and Margrit walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks, “Are you two sisters?”
Lena chuckled and replied, ” No, we aren’t even Catholic.”

Sven & Ole were working for the city of Minneapolis. Sven would dig a hole – he would dig, dig, dig. Ole would come along
and fill the hole – fill, fill, fill. Sven and Ole worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn’t believe how hard these men were working, but couldn’t understand
what they were doing. Finally, he had to ask them.
He said to Sven the hole digger, “I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner
comes along behind you and fills it up again!”
Sven, replied, “Yeah, I suppose it does look funny, but Lars, da guy who plants da trees is sick today.”

Ole tried to sell his car. He was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, he told his problem to a Sven who worked at the gas station. Sven told him, “Ole, der’s a way ta make da car
easier ta sell, but it ain’t legal.”
“Dat don’t matter,” replied Ole, “If I only can sell the car, dat’s ok.”
“Okay,” said Sven. “Here’s da address of a frienda mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell em I sent you and he vill turn da
counter in yer car back ta 50,000 miles. Den it von’t be a problem ta sell yer car anymore.”
The following weekend, Ole made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, Sven asked Ole, “Vell Ole, did ya
sell yer car?”
“No,” replied Ole, “Vy should I ya dummy? Now it only has 50,000 miles on it.”

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, “I have decided to give your
wife $800 a month for support.”
“Vell, dat’s fine, Judge,” said Ole. “And vunce in a vile I’ll try ta chip in a few bucks myself.”

Ole gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, “Honey, I jus von da lottery! Pack your bags!”
Lena says, “Great! Vhat should I pack for? Da ocean or da mountains?”
He says, “I don’t care! Just be out by da end of da week!”

Ole was on his deathbed and implored his wife Lena, “Lena, ven I’m gone, I vant you to marry Sven Svenson”.
“Vy Sven Svenson?” his wife asked. “You’ve hated him all of your life!”
“Still do,” gasped Ole.

Ole said to his wife, “Lena, what would you do if I won da lottery?”
Lena thought for a minute and replied, “I’m sorry Ole, I would take half and leave you.”
Ole looked back at his lottery ticket, “Great, I won twelve dollars. Here’s six. I’ll miss you.”

Ole tells Sven, “I’ve been in love with the same woman for 25 years now Sven.”
Sven replies, “Ole that’s vunderful!”
Ole gets a serious look before he replies, “Sven, if my wife Lena finds out, she’ll kill me.”

Why did Ole bring a ladder to the bar?
He heard that the drinks were on da house!
Ole orders a pizza and is asked if he wants it cut into 6 or 12 slices.
Ole responds, “Six please. I could never eat 12 slices.”

Ole always caught his limit of fish and he would never tell anyone his secret. Finally, the Game Warden threatened to take
away Ole’s license unless Ole taught him how he did it.
Ole finally agreed to meet him early one morning to go fishing. The Game Warden came with six rods and three tackle
boxes, so he’d be ready for anything. Ole showed up with a small brown paper bag.
They climbed in a row boat and Ole rowed out to a spot on the lake. Ole then opened his bag and pulled out a stick of
dynamite, lit it and tossed it into the water. After an explosion and shower of water, dozens of fish floated to the surface.
Ole started to row the boat around picking up fish.
The Game Warden was surprised and furious. He shouted, “Ole, you can’t do that! It’s against the LAW!”
Ole calmly reached into his bag and took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He tossed it to the Game Warden and
asked, “Vell, are ya gonna to talk? Or, ya gonna fish?”

Ole and Lena were always out of ice in their home. They couldn’t make it. They could never remember the recipe

Ole tells Sven, “I’ve been in love with the same woman for 25 years now Sven.”
Sven replies, “Ole that’s vunderful!”
Ole gets a serious look before he replies, “Sven, if my wife Lena finds out, she’ll kill me.”