Ole and Lena jokes in 2025

Sven and Ole were drinking some suds when Sven started looking peeved by the text message he’d just received.
“Ole, you ever have an ex-girlfriend that just won’t go away?” Sven asked.
“Yeah,” Ole replied. “Dat would be my wife Lena.”

Lars was staggering home after a night in the tavern. A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely.
As they approached the house, Lars asked the minister to step inside for a moment. He explained, “I vant Lena to see who I
have been out vith.”

Every year for the 17th of May parade the Swedes line up on one side of the road for the parade, the Norwegians on the
other side. Those crazy Swedes would throw firecrackers at the Norwegians. Of course the Norwegians would get mad and
light the firecrackers and throw them back.

Ole tells Sven that somebody stole his credit card a few months ago.
Sven asks, “Dat’s terrible Ole. Did you report da card stolen?”
“Heck no!” says Ole. “He spends less than Lena!”

Ole decided to get a tattoo and had some words tattoed on his back. A few hours later the tattoo artist gets a call from an
angry Ole. “Ya bum, you did my tattoo backvard!”
The tattoo arist is confused, “It’s backward?”
Ole continues, “Ya I’m looking at it in da mirror right now!”
Sven was filling out an application when he appeared stuck. “Ole,” asked Sven, “What should I put for length of residence?”
“Oh,” said Ole, “I tink yours is about forty feet.”

Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
Ole says, “Yesterday I vas ironing a shirt ven da phone rang and I accidentally answered da iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
Ole says, “I tried ta call da doctor.”

One day Ole gets a plan to make some money so he goes to one of the rich neighborhoods. Ole rings the door bell and says,
“Hello, is der anyting I could do for you ta make some money?”
The man thinks and says, “Sure, can paint my porch. You will find all the stuff in the garage.”
Ole says, “O.K., How much vill ya pay me?”
The man says, “How much does fifty bucks sound?”
Ole quickly agrees and get straight to work. The wife who had heard the conversation inside says, “50 bucks, I hope he
knows the porch goes all around the house!”
Two hours later Ole knocks on the door and says, “O.K. I am done. Can I have da money now?”
Surprised the man replies, “OK, let me get the money”
He comes back and Ole says as he is leaving, “By da vay, Dat’s a Ferrari, not a Porch-e!”

Ole tells Sven that somebody stole his credit card a few months ago.
Sven asks, “Dat’s terrible Ole. Did you report da card stolen?”
“Heck no!” says Ole. “He spends less than Lena!

Ole asks Sven one day, “Sven, vut does IDK stand for?”
Sven tells him, “I don’t know.”
Ole is digusted, “Cripes, nobody knows!”

Sven says to Ole “I found dis pen, is it yours?”
Ole replies – “Don’t know, give it here”
He then tries it and says “Yes it is

Ole and Lena had been married seven years. Lena was getting worried that Ole might be getting the seven-year itch. She
thought he was cheating on her. Lena says to Ole “You never tell me you love me. Is there someone else?”
Ole replies “When ve got married I told you I loved you. If I ever change my mind, I’ll let ya know.”

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. “Oh,” said Ole, “I
persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet.” “How come?” asked Lars. “Vell,” Ole answered, “because vith a clarinet, she can’t
sing.”

Lena is watching the news with Ole when the newscaster says, “Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.” Lena starts
crying to her husband, sobbing, “That’s horrible!”
Confused, he replies, “Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always dat risk involved.”
After a minute, Lena, still sobbing, says, “Ole, how many is a Brazilian?”

Lena is scrambling eggs when Ole bursts into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he cries. “Careful! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble dem! Now! We need more butter
They’re going to stick! Careful! Now scramble dem again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don’t forget to salt dem. You know you
always forget to salt dem. Use da salt. Use da salt! Da salt!”
Lena turns and asks, “Ole, what is wrong with you?”
Ole calmly replies, “Vell, I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his
condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, “You yust put ‘Ole died’.”
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, “That’s it? Just ‘Ole died?’ Surely, there must be something more you’d like to
say about Ole. If its money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.”
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, “O.K. You put ‘Ole died. Boat for sale.”

Ole goes into a lumber yard to buy some 2×4’s.”May I help you”, asks the salesman. “How long do you want’ em?”
Ole replies: “Oh, for long time. I’m building a house.”

Ole goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove
he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
Ole then goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
Lena replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability

Ole and Sven are hunting when Sven keels over. Frantic, Ole dials 911 on his cell phone and shouts, “My friend Sven yust
dropped dead! Vat should I do?”
A calm voice on the other end says, “Don’t worry, I can help. First let’s make sure he’s really dead.” After a brief silence, the
operator hears a shot. Then Ole comes back to the phone.
“OK,” he says nervously to the operator. “Vat do I do next?”