Ole and Lena jokes in 2024

Sven and Ole go to the beach, and after a couple hours Sven says, “This ain’t no fun. How come da girls aren’t friendly to
me?”
“Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a big potato in your swim trunks, dat would help.”
So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, “I tried vat you told me with da potato, but it doesn’t help.”
“Um, Sven, you’re supposed to put da potato in da FRONT!”

Ole answered the phone one day and came back to the living room crying.
“Vell, Ole! Vat in da vorld is da matter?” asked the sympathetic Lena.
“I yust had bad news, Lena,” Ole replied, “My fadder yust died!!”
Just then the phone rang again, Ole went to answer it and came back crying again.
“Vell, now, Ole, vat is da matter?” asked Lena.
“Dat vas my brudder.” said Ole. “His fadder yust died too!”

Ole and Sven are working on a barn. The wind comes up and blows their ladder over. Ole asks Sven, “How are ve going ta
get down?”
Sven looks around the roof for a while then says, “Well ders a manure pile on dat side a da barn ve could jump in to soften
da landing.”
Ole said, “OK Sven, but you go first, it vas your idea!” So Sven jumps off into the manure. Ole yells down to him, “How deep
is it Sven?”
Sven yells back, “Its only up to my ankles!” So Ole jumped down too and they both climb out of the manure pile.
Ole turns to Sven and said, “Sven vat da hell did you mean it vas only up ta your ankles? It vas up ta my EARS!”
Sven replies, “Ya, but I jumped in head first.”

One fine spring day Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman
pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.
“Oh, no”, Ole protested. “I vas only doing tirty Officer.”
“No, you were doing fifty”, replied the cop.
“Really, Officer, I vas only doing tirty”, Ole replied stubbornly.
“Well”, bellowed the cop, “I clocked you doing FIFTY!”
At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up. “Officer…you really shouldn’t argue vit Ole
ven he’s been drinking.”

Ole and Lena were lying in bed one night when the phone rang, Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, “Vell, how da hell
should I know, dats over 2,000 miles away” and he hung up.
Lena say’s “who vas dat Ole?”
Ole say’s “Hell if I know, some guy vants ta know if da coast is clear.”

Minnesota’s worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a
Norwegian cemetery here early this morning.
Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as
digging continues into the night.

Ole went to the Doctor because he was feeling a little sick. After a few tests the Doctor told Ole, “I’m sorry to tell you that
you have a rare disease that is incurable and you are going to die in 6 months. But to help you out I’m going to prescribe
that you move in with your mother-in-law.”
Ole replied, “Criminy, dat’s bad Doc, but vy should I move in vit my old mudder-in-law.”
The Doc said, “Because that will be the longest 6 months of your life.”

One Sunday morning, the Lutheran pastor noticed Ole standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It
was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The old Norwegian had been staring at the
plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside Ole, and said quietly, ‘Good morning Ole.’
‘Good morning Pastor,’ he replied, still focused on the plaque. ‘Pastor, vat is dis?’ The pastor said, ‘Well, it’s a memorial to
all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, Ole’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, ”Vich service, da 8:30 or da 10:45?”

Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away.
“Where do you live?” asked the operator.
Ole answered, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”
“Can you spell that for me?” the operator asked.
There was a long pause and finally Ole said, “How about if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”

Ole tried hard but failed at being an inventor. His inventions included:
1. The inflatable dart board.
2. Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.
3. A book on how to read.
4. The solar-powered flashlight.
5. A screen door for a submarine.
6. An Automatic parachute that opens on impact.
7. Helicopter ejection seats.

Ole and Lars go ice fishin. Ole pulls out his new thermos and Lars says to him, “Ole, whatcha got der?”.
Ole says, “Well Lars, dis here’s a thermos. It keeps hot tings hot, and it keeps cold tings cold.”
After awhile, Lars gets curious and says, “Vell Ole, whatcha got in dat der thermos?”
Ole says, “Vell Lars, I got a popsicle, and two cups a coffee.”

Ole was driving home from work when he was pulled over for speeding. Two days later he was given another ticket by the
same officer for speeding on the same road.
“So,” the officer asked, “Ole, have you learned anything today?!”
Ole said. “Ya, I learnt I need to take a different vay home from verk!”

Ole and Lena visit New York City. Caught in traffic on East 46th, a homeless person starts washing the windshield. Ole rolls
down the window.
“Eh how’s it going?” the homeless guy says.
“Ohhh it’s OK.” Ole says.
“Hey where are you folks from?”
“Ohh ve’re from Minnesota.”
“Ohhh Minnesota, I’ve been there. I met the ugliest woman I ever saw in Minnesota!”
Lena asks “Vat’s he saying Ole?”
“Ohhh he says he knows you Lena.”

Ole was driving in traffic when he was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the
Ole’s car and asked, “Are you going to Oslo?”
“Sure,” answered Ole, “Do you need a lift?”
“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which
have to be delivered to the Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you
possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you fifty dollars for your trouble.”
“I’d be happy to,” said Ole.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of Ole’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they
went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Oslo when suddenly he was horrified. There was Ole
walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.
With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the Ole. “What the hell are you doing here?” he demanded,
“I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”
“Ya, I know ya did,” said Ole, “but yust as ve got der it looked like it vas goin ta rain, so ve decided to go see a movie
instead.”

Ole walks into a pharma

Ole and Sven walk into a bar and they order some beers. After drinking his, Ole looks into his shirt pocket. They order
another round and Ole looks into his shirt pocket again. This goes on for a few more rounds.
Sven is curious, “Ole, why do you look in your pocket after each beer? “Whatcha got in der?”
Ole confesses, “I have a picture of my Lena in der, and when she starts ta look good, I go home.”

Ole decides he will go into town to buy some groceries. So off he goes. Within a few minutes, he comes to a river. He looks
up and down and across, but cannot see either a bridge or a spot to cross. Just as he is about to give up and go home, his
good friend Sven arrives on the other side. Ole calls out and asks how to get to the other side. Sven is surprised by the
question. He looks up the river and down, then down at his feet and then across at Ole.
Sven responds: “You are on da udder side!

Lena is in labor at the hospital ya know. The doctor tells them that he invented a pill that transfers some of the labor pain to
the father. To Ole’s dismay, Lena takes the pill.
Lena delivers a boy and Ole is happy it didn’t hurt too much.
Soon after they return home with their baby only to discover the mailman dead on their lawn.

Ole and Lena were walking in the park when a bird splattered Ole on top of her head. Lena offered to go get some toilet
paper.
“Von’t do no good.” Said Ole. “Dat bird will be miles away by da time ya get back.”