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New Years jokes 🎇 in 2025

What do you call someone named Stephen on Dec. 31?
– New Year’s Steve!

What do you say when bidding farewell on Dec. 31?
– “See you next year!”

Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn’t it,
– of a long line of proven criminals?

What do you tell someone you didn’t see on New Year’s Eve?
– I haven’t seen you since last year!

Did you hear about the guy who started fixing breakfast at midnight on Dec. 31?
-He wanted to make a New Year’s toast!

They say New York City has the best New Year’s celebration, but I say it’s overrated.
-Every year they drop the ball.

What’s the easiest way to keep your New Year’s resolution to read more?
-Watch TV with subtitles.

New Year’s Eve, when auld acquaintances be forgot.
-Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
-Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the first and last letters.

What do cows say on Jan. 1?
-“Happy Moo New Year!”

I made a New Year’s resolution to stop procrastinating,
– but I’m going to wait until next year to start.

This New Years I was going to make a resolution never to be late again
-but I didn’t wake up until January 2nd.

A man asks his buddy for a cigarette. His friend quips, “I thought you made a New Year’s resolution and that you don’t smoke.” The man replied,
– “I’m in phase one of quitting.” Confused, his friend asked, “Phase one?” The man laughed, “Yes. I’ve quit buying.”

Every New Year’s I have the same question:
-“How did I get home?”

Some astronauts wanted to have a New Year’s party on the moon,
– but they didn’t planet in time.

What do criminals pay on Jan. 1?
-New Year’s restitution.

A new years resolution is something that goes in one year
-and out the other.

Where do you go to do your math homework on New Year’s Eve?
– Times Square

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