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Money jokes 💰💲 in 2025

I won 3 million dollars in the lottery this weekend, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Celeste.
Celeste who?
Celeste time I lend you money.

What would you call a man that had a head full of change?
– He’d probably be called Headquarters.

Having teenagers is just paying for a bunch of dates that you don’t get to go on.

Borrow money from pessimists, they don’t expect it back.

Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank?
– He wanted to make a clean getaway.

Why is money also called dough?
– Well, because every person kneads it.

What kind of car does a sushi chef who makes a huge amount of money drive?
– A Rolls-Rice.

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a parent that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

Where do polar bears keep their money?
– In snow-banks.

Where does Dracula store his money?
– Probably in the blood bank.

I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn’t bother to report it
– because the thief spends less than me.

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

I saw a homeless guy on the street with a sign that said, “One day, this could be you.” I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he’s right.

Why wasn’t the dead woman living well?
– It’s because she was dead broke.

What comes with a tail and a head but it’s not an animal?
– It’s a penny.

You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there’s no real difference between me and George Clooney.

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