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Library jokes 📚 in 2025

I went to the library to ask for a book on Tortoises.
– The clerk asked, “Hardback?”
“Yes” I said “and leathery legs and a stumpy tail”.

Library of Congress bomber…
Yesterday’s attempted bomber said there are 4 more bombs planted in DC. After botching bombing Congress by showing up at the Library of Congress, the FBI has ordered the immediate evacuation of :
-the Richmond Mall’s Supreme Food Court
-The Hexagon Building on Connecticut Ave
-International House of Pancakes
-literally anyone with a white house.

What did the librarian say after she was told that the reader hadn’t read Fitzgerald?
– “You’ve Gatsby kidding me!”

A blonde walks into a library
A blonde walks into a library. She asks the librarian:
Can I get a chicken salad?
The librarian answers: sorry, this is a library
The blonde responds: Oh, right! (Whispering) Can I get a chicken salad?

Librarians are always going by the book.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia.
– She whispers, “They’re right behind you!”

What is one life advice you can expect from a librarian?
– You need to believe in your shelf.

A blonde walks into a library
The blonde walks up to the librarian’s desk and says loudly, “I’ll have a coffee and a bagel”.
Everyone frowns along with the librarian and the librarian quietly replies, “This is a library!!”.
The blonde replies with a whisper, “I would like a coffee and a bagel!”.

A drunk walks into a library…
– A drunk guy stumbles into a library and makes his way to the reference desk. He steadies himself and tells the librarian “HEY I WANT A CHEESEBURGER, SOME FRIES AND A COKE!”

The librarian looks at him in disgust and says “Sir, this is a library”

The drunk replies “Oh I’m sorry” and whispers quietly “I’ll have a cheeseburger, some fries and a coke”

There has been a devastating fire in russian president Putin’s presidential library
Both books were destroyed!
– But even worse is that he only finished coloring one of them!

How does a librarian wish someone on their birthday?
– Many many happy returns.

Two old men sat in a library and one asked the other have you read Marx?
– I think it comes from sitting on these wicker chairs for too long he replied

What is the full form of IBS for bookworms?
– Impulsive Book-reading Syndrome

Why is Kim Jong-un’s library so big?
– Because he is the supreme reader.

What do poetry books say to their readers in the library?
– Iamb yours.

What do librarians say when someone needs to contact them?
– Page me if you need me.

A depressed man walks into a library
Depressed man: do you have any books on suicide?
Library staff: yes it’s on the third shelf over there
Depressed man: walks to third shelf
Depressed man after a few minutes: I can’t seem to find any.
Library staff: yep it’s awful cause they never bring them back

Just found out they have opened a new library in my town…
– They kept that quiet.

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