Hospital jokes 🏥🩺👩🏻‍⚕️ in 2024

My favorite is a true story. During residency, I got paged at 3AM to the SICU. I called them, a bit curious as to what was going on, as 3AM calls to the neurologist rarely come from the SICU.
When I introduced myself as the on-call neurologist, the very southern-sounding nurse loudly exclaimed:

“Neurology? I wanted Urology. I got the wrong end!”

Why is a doctor always calm?
They have a lot of patients.

What do you get when a doctor goes back in time to teach himself medicine?
A pair o’ docs.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
He was feeling really crumby.

Patient: “Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?”
Doctor: “Sell!”

How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck in my ear!”
Doctor: “Don’t worry, I have some cream for that.”

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The patient said, “Give me the good news first.”
“They’re going to name the disease after you.”

“Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me — I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?”
“Not really — I spill most of it!”

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

Secretary: “Doctor, there’s a patient on line one who says he’s invisible.”
Doctor: “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”

My doctor inquired if I was getting enough exercise. “Does sex count as exercise?” I asked. “Yes, it’s a very good form of exercise,” he replied. “Then the answer is no,” I said.

A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem. The doctor asks, “How often do you pass gas?” and the man replies 10 to 15 times an hour. The doctor goes back to his office and returns with a pole with an iron hook. The man screams, “What are you going to do with that, Doc?”
The doctor replies, “I’m going to open some windows.”

Woman: “My husband swallowed an Aspirin by mistake. What should I do now?”
Doctor: “Give him a headache now; what else!”

I was caring for a woman and asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”

What don’t you want to hear in the middle of surgery?
“Where’s my watch?”

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
She told me to stop going to those places.

Patient: “Doctor, I need your help. I’m addicted to checking my Twitter.”
Doctor: “I’m so sorry; I don’t follow.”