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Hospital jokes 🏥🩺👩🏻‍⚕️ in 2024

What did the judge say to the dentist?
“Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?”

Man: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
Doctor: “Is this her first child?”
Man: “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”

Patient: “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.”
Doctor: “Sit down and don’t stir.”

I went to the doctor this morning and said, “I’ve swallowed a golf ball.”
The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it’s gone down a fairway.”

Patient: “Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill.”
Doctor: “Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet.”

Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian?
Apparently, it’s all about the delivery for some people.

Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

Doctor, I’m hearing a ringing sound?
Then answer the phone.

How do you know your doctor is a vampire?
He draws your blood from your neck with a straw!

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot.”
Doctor: “Don’t get yourself in a stew.”

Doctor: “Quick, he’s losing a lot of blood. He needs an infusion — what’s his blood type?!”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “I’m trying, but he’s lost a lot of blood.”

Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
Answer: Only if you aim it well enough.

Why did the doctor tell the nurses to be quiet when walking past the medicine cabinet?
So they wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills!

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

Why did the calendar have to visit the doctor?
It had a terrible year-ache.

A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girl’s strange eating habits.
“All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?”
“Eventually,” said the doctor. “She will rise and shine.”

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

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