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Hospital jokes 🏥🩺👩🏻‍⚕️ in 2024

Why did the rope go to the doctor?
It had a knot in its stomach.

How did the doctor cure the invisible man?
He took him to the ICU.

I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

Patient: “Doctor, are the test results ready yet? I’m dying of curiosity!”
Doctor: “Heh… not only from curiosity.”

A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says:
– “If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons.”

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Why did Dracula go to the doctor?
He couldn’t stop coffin!

The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office, having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”
“Rats,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”

What did the judge say to the dentist?
“Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?”

Man: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
Doctor: “Is this her first child?”
Man: “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”

Patient: “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.”
Doctor: “Sit down and don’t stir.”

I went to the doctor this morning and said, “I’ve swallowed a golf ball.”
The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it’s gone down a fairway.”

Patient: “Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill.”
Doctor: “Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet.”

Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian?
Apparently, it’s all about the delivery for some people.

Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

Doctor, I’m hearing a ringing sound?
Then answer the phone.

How do you know your doctor is a vampire?
He draws your blood from your neck with a straw!

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot.”
Doctor: “Don’t get yourself in a stew.”

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