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Hospital jokes 🏥🩺👩🏻‍⚕️ in 2025

Why did the mattress go to the doctor?
It had spring fever.

The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-Tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.”
Doctor: “How long have you felt like this?”
Patient: “Since I was a puppy.”

Did you hear the one about the germ?
Never mind; I don’t want to spread it around.

Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

Examination of genitalia has revealed that he is circus-sized.

Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.

Patient: “Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for $1,000. I can’t pay that before the end of the month!”
Doctor: “OK, then you have six months to live.”

“Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.”
“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?”
“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”

What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
“Get dressed up — the doctor is taking us out!”

Doctor’s son: “Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.”
Doctor’s father: “Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly.”

Patient: “Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?”
Doctor: “Use a pencil until I come see him.”

A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease.
“Nonsense,” scolded the doctor. “You wouldn’t know if you had that. With that particular disease, there’s no discomfort of any kind.”
“Oh no!” gasped the patient. “Those are my symptoms exactly!”

What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money?
“Do you see any change in me?”

My favorite is a true story. During residency, I got paged at 3AM to the SICU. I called them, a bit curious as to what was going on, as 3AM calls to the neurologist rarely come from the SICU.
When I introduced myself as the on-call neurologist, the very southern-sounding nurse loudly exclaimed:

“Neurology? I wanted Urology. I got the wrong end!”

Why is a doctor always calm?
They have a lot of patients.

What do you get when a doctor goes back in time to teach himself medicine?
A pair o’ docs.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
He was feeling really crumby.

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