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Hospital jokes 🏥🩺👩🏻‍⚕️ in 2025

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

A man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
Man: “Will I be all right, doc?”
Doctor: “You are in grave danger — Mercury is in Uranus.”
Man: “I don’t buy into that astrology nonsense!”
Doctor: “Neither do I. My thermometer broke.”

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Why did the doctor take a red pen to work?
In case, she wanted to draw blood!

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing into the future.”
Doctor: “When did this start?”
Patient: “Next Tuesday.”

What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician?
General Ken OB.

What did the doctor say to the rocket ship?
“Time to get your booster shot!”

What did the doctor prescribe to the man who couldn’t stop breaking wind?
A kite.

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’m addicted to brake fluid.”
Doctor: “Nonsense, man — you can stop anytime.”

Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
The hip consultant.

Doctor: “Want the good news or the bad news first?”
Patient: “Good news, please.”
Doctor: “Well, they’re naming a disease after you.”

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter – he’s got to just know.
– Will Rogers

The patient refused autopsy.

Where do sick boats go to get healthy?
To the dock!

Two years ago, my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven’t heard from him since.

Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
He was feeling all stuffed up!

Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.

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