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Hospital jokes 🏥🩺👩🏻‍⚕️ in 2025

A man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
Man: “Will I be all right, doc?”
Doctor: “You are in grave danger — Mercury is in Uranus.”
Man: “I don’t buy into that astrology nonsense!”
Doctor: “Neither do I. My thermometer broke.”

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

She is numb from her toes down.

Why did the robot go to the doctor?
She had a virus!

I still remember the day the doctor told me I was mute.
I had no words.

Why did the library book go to the doctor?
It needed to be checked out.

Patient: “Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.”
Doctor: “How do you feel?”
Patient: “A little down in the mouth.”

I went to the doctor, and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, “I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?”
“Yes,” replied the patient faintly. “Another doctor.”

Doctor: “I accidentally left my gloves inside your stomach during your operation. We have to open you back up.”
Patient: “Are you kidding me?! Tell you what, take this $10 bill and buy a new pair!”

Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”
Doc: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”
Patient: “Right around the entrance.”
Doc: “As long as you call it an entrance, it will hurt.”

Doctor: “Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed 10 quarters last night?”
Nurse: “No change yet.”

Why did the bucket go to the doctor?
He had a pail face.

A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor. So, the boy brought his teacher an apple every day.

Doctors ask you where it hurts, but then put pressure on it.

Doctor: “I’m just waiting for your x-ray.”
Woman: “But I’ve never dated anyone named Ray.”
Doctor: “Aaaaand we might do a brain scan.”

“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Great! I never could before!”

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